Tips For Going Number Two On A Plane With Grace

I swear I’m not trying to be crass here, but I feel like this is a topic that needs to be addressed. Collectively the blogosphere shares tips for maximizing all aspects of travel, but perhaps there’s no area where some suggestions are more necessary than airplane bathroom etiquette.

I’m the last person who would typically want to discuss this stuff, but I feel like someone’s gotta do it. Last night I was waiting for the single rear lavatory on a plane, and as soon as the guy opened the door I unintentionally gave him a look of pure horror. It smelled like someone had died after an all you can eat Mexican buffet. While I heard him flush, there was still toilet paper and some “residual” excrements in the toilet bowl when I went to use it. In addition to actual chunks of you-know-what, the entire toilet bowl looked like an A380 skidded off a dirt runway during monsoon season. There’s a lesson to be learned here, so let’s get to it.

I don’t think anyone enjoys going number two on a plane, but if you’re going to, there are some basic ways to minimize the impact it has on other passengers.

When to go to the lavatory

If it’s going to take a while, there’s a strategy to when you should use the lavatory. Don’t go right after takeoff, right after the meal service, or right before landing, when everyone else wants to go. The best time to go is right as the crew starts their service, since a cart will be blocking the aisle, and passengers will be looking forward to the food and drinks. Furthermore, during that time the flight attendants won’t be in the galley “observing.”

If it’s a longhaul flight, wait at least 30 minutes until after the drinks or trays are cleared.

Which lavatories to use

This is for your own convenience, rather than the convenience of others. Airplane lavatories keep getting smaller and smaller, though this isn’t true across the board.

Korean-Air-Business-Class-777 - 33

Typically there’s at least one larger lavatory on most planes, if not more. Do what you can to find it.

EVA-Air-Business-Class-777 - 41

Furthermore, assuming you’re on a bigger plane with several lavatories, go to one that’s in the same area as others. That way if a line forms, everyone won’t be waiting for you.

How to minimize the smell

You’ll sometimes see crews put coffee bags in the lavatories, which are intended to minimize odors. I’ve seen some suggest that you should ask a crew for a coffee bag before going into the lav. Personally asking that sounds sort of horrifying to me. But there are ways you can minimize the smell:

  • Flush as soon as you “go,” and then again a couple of moments later — there’s no shame in frequent flushing as long as you leave a clean and pleasant smelling lavatory
  • When you’re done, use a lot of soap when you wash your hands — airlines typically have foaming soap, and you’d be surprised by how much of a difference it can make in terms of the smell
  • Bring a toiletries bag into the lavatory as if you’re brushing your teeth, and worst case scenario, spray some perfume or cologne; don’t go all Bath & Body Works on the place, but a spray or two will go a long way (sometimes the airlines even have a mist in the lavatory)

How to leave the lavatory spotless

Most airplane lavatories use suction technology, so a spotless toilet bowl may be tougher to achieve than elsewhere. With that in mind:

  • If there are any “marks” or toilet paper sticking to the side of the bowl, take a mouthwash cup, fill it with water, and pour it over whatever you’re trying to remove; adding a bit of water will make it all go down much easier when you flush again
  • Depending on how self conscious you are, just take a paper towel and wipe the inside of the bowl as needed; it’s not like there’s water, and you should be able to avoid direct contact completely (besides, it gives you another opportunity to soap up your hands, further improving the smell of the overall environment)
  • Then of course wipe down the sink area, etc.

By the time all is said and done, the lavatory should look more spotless than when you entered it.

Bottom line

Again, I’m not trying to be gross here. However, it also occurred to me that a lot of people avoid going to the bathroom on planes at any cost. Personally I’d rather use a bathroom on a plane than a public airport bathroom with stalls. Of course you can take as much or as little of the above advice as you’d like. I share it as someone who has flown roughly four million miles, and who is incredibly OCD.

Anyone have any further tips to add?

Comments

  1. This post is full of it 😉 Also, always open up the air vents, many lavs have one inside.

  2. You didnt mention sitting on the seat verses hovering. If someone “spray-sh!ts”, there is no cleaning that up. I’ve seen lavs closed for cleaning for most of the flight because of that.

  3. Bravo!

    These hints also apply to other places too.
    My office needs these and space is not an issue but same events happen.

    K

  4. Lol, there is actually a product called poopourri, you spray it in teh pot before you go and it really helps. Its sold at a number of places, not sure if it comes in travel size 🙂

  5. I can’t believe my first post at OMAAT is going to be in a thread about pooping on a plane! Alas, as the book says, “everybody poops.” right? I personally subscribe to the philosophy “if you gotta go, you gotta go” so relieving myself in a public venue doesn’t generally bother me and it’s not embarrassing at all. However, I do take care when I do and consider the next user. As a FF’er who also happens to be flight crew, I often find myself on long flights and when working, without the ability to relieve myself when I want. That said, there’s several unwritten rules to add to your suggestions Lucky. Tricks of the trade, so to speak. Haha.

    First, if I can, I wait until all I have to do is “drop and go.” No lingering and no reading material. That’s saved for the hotel, home or airport. This minimizes the time spent in the lav. Second, I not only line the seat for sitting, I line the interior of the bowl. This 99% of the time will prevent skids. Upon taking care of business, there should be a courtesy flush. This will remove the bulk of the smell. Just make sure you break the seal between you and the toilet first! Next, wipe as normal. Then, before flushing, spray the bowl with a shot of air freshener, that you’ve brought into the lav with you. Or, use the face spray if provided, then flush. While you’re washing your hands and then wiping up the sink, the air freshener has permeated the small space, ridding it of your aftermath. Take a peek at the bowl and flush as necessary. I find that if I follow these steps, the outcome is less terrifying for the next person and most importantly, I feel better and won’t be holding it in for the rest of the flight.

  6. The floors of airline lavatories are disgusting even early on in the flight. Never let your pants touch the floor or worse go into a lav in stocking feet. I have sat next to passengers who smell like an economy lavatory after a 15 hour flight in a 747. And guys, please lift the seat when you piss – ladies of the world thank you.

  7. Lucky – What do you think about using the onboard lav during boarding? Is it proper or improper etiquette?

  8. Bottom line: unless you are on a plane for more than 8 hrs, take care of business before boarding. Because odds are you don’t want to shit in an airplane bathroom and nobody else wants you to do it either.

  9. OCD? You mean the mental disorder? Are you being treated for it? Have you been diagnosed?

    Because if you’re not talking about the mental disorder and instead about a “quirk” you have then there’s something very problematic we need to discuss…

  10. True story. I was once in SQ F, SIN-NRT, and the very pretty FA emerged from the bathroom while I was waiting outside, and told me to “give it five minutes.” I wished I’d given it ten to be honest.

  11. I put toilet paper in the bowl before relieving myself. That way the things stick to the toilet paper instead of sticking to the bowl and I don’t have to clean the bowl afterwards.

  12. I agree that leaving the bowl clean is a must. But I don’t think I agree that a paper towel should be used. Towels can clog the toilet, and you don’t want to be putting this particular towel in the trash. Use a wad of TP – substantial enough so that the quick flick of the wrist that’s required won’t get your fingers wet/dirty at all, but no bigger than necessary. Then, of course, wash your hands thoroughly.

    Ben, you are kind to say “depending on how self-conscious you are,” but IMO there is NO excuse for not doing this if the mess is yours. (I usually do it even if the offending paper/organic matter was there before me, because it makes no difference to the person who comes next. But I suppose that’s not a moral imperative.)

  13. A great tip to make sure there is no residue left (which also helps a lot with the smell) is to use a toilet seat cover to line the inside of the bowl.

    Quite simply:
    1. Lift up both seats
    2. Hold the toilet seat cover under the back half of the bottom seat, and then gently push the rest of it to sort of line the bowl.
    3. Do your business
    4. Lift up the bottom seat and push the paper that was being held down into the bowl
    5. Flush

  14. My first thought when reading the title was “Hopefully Grace is old enough to go in there by herself.”

  15. Great Topic, and replies…
    I usually try to wait til I get to Lounge with a shower… but sometimes the body does not comply. I always travel with the PrepH Single Towlettes… for yourself or when it’s nasty in there.

  16. Personally, I’d prefer people stop spraying perfume. It doesn’t hide anything. It just means my eyes are watering from both “scents”.

    It’s bad enough that after thoroughly washing my hands, the overly perfumed hand soap smell lingers forever on my skin and in my headache nightmares.

  17. should install indian toilets with hoses so that proper emptying occurs with squatting.

    leave the poop in the bathroom not have half a poop left inside farting in the cabin for the rest of the flight.

  18. I think most of the human race are good, especially at this topic.

    But you are always going to have people who fly on $10 fares and are animals and will just C%6P and let the smell soak in before coming out of the bathroom like they were at home.

    ANIMALS !

  19. People from South Asia – have the best standards for Airline Potty etiquette. You are all uncivilized compared to them that you need a blogger to tell you how to get it done nicely on plane.

    Better take a flight in Air India ecoomy and see how their passengers are Number one in coming and going of Number Two on an Airplane

  20. I absolutely dread having to go #2 on a flight. Think I’ve only had one time in the last 7+ years where I had to. Walking in after someone has made doodie in a plane lavatory is not a fun experience. I remember many years ago needing to use the restroom at the back of a plane and there was a line of about 3 of us waiting, and waiting, and waiting until finally the pilot said they were getting ready to land. Someone was in there for over 40 minutes and then happened to sit in the row across from me. I just held it until we landed.

    For me the best bet is always trying to go in the lounge bathroom before the flight.

  21. The best schtein I ever deposited 1 mile up was enroute to Hawaii. I had rushed to the gate and gingerly took my seat while I had a massive turtlehead poking out. As soon as the seat belt sign went off, I waddled to the pooper. Deep inside, I knew this would be a good one. Sitting gingerly on the commode, I started…nice and slow. Taking a peek ‘tween my legs, I noticed a nice turd encircling the bowl. I knew I had a chance at the rare spitting cobra. Without clenching my sphincter muscles, I continued laying more cable than an a Adelphia employee. Ten minutes later, I felt the end was near. I gently rose from the bowl with my chocolate tail still attached and let my perfect little cobra peek above the rim. Pinching it off, I formed a nice head.
    After a few wipes, I stood back to admire my work and decided to leave it for the next person who came to drop off the kids.

  22. Poo-poorri works well, but doesn’t come in a very small bottle. Just A Drop is similar but comes in a tiny bottle. I admit to being self-conscious about the possibility of leaving an unpleasant odor in a public bathroom, so I never go anywhere without my trusty little bottle. And I can’t imagine leaving anything in the bowl. That’s just rude.

  23. One thing I’ve learnt, it’s that there’s no correlation between the class of the cabin and toilet etiquette.

  24. Ben,
    I can’t imagine you really have OCD, at least in terms of cleanliness concerns being a way it is manifested. I unfortunately have seen really debilitating OCD in that regard and there is no way you would be able to fly in one metal tube after another and stay in one random hotel after another, all environments over which you have relatively little control, if you had OCD relating to cleanliness. . I’m guessing that you just have some concerns about cleanliness, most if not all of which I expect are quite valid. BUT if you ever think that you have OCD in a clinical sense, please get treatment sooner rather than later because it can really worsen tremendously as people age.
    Btw, I think all your suggestions here make a lot of sense. The bathroom situation is one of the reasons I am really grateful for miles to be able to fly in first or business for the really long flights. I try to ensure that I don’t need to use the lavatory if at all possible otherwise!

  25. Don’t touch the door handle directly either going in or coming out; always use tissues or paper towel to do that …and then use hand sanitizer or a disinfectant wipe on them for added protection.

  26. One way to ensure the bowl doesn’t get any remnants is to place a few sheets of facial tissue in the bowl where things tend to land. That way when flushed, nothing sticks to the side. I’ve also found that washing a few times with hand soap gets some nice scent into the air.

  27. It’s fun having a good BM in a proper first class long haul lav after a few libations; it’s quite relaxing. My go to is to use the soap available and wash my hands before going because the soap smell really carries itself well in the airplane environment. Wash apres BM as well, but before is key.

    Plus it doesn’t look like you were desperate— spray perfume etc. etc. all over. Makes it more discreet.

  28. Their advertising slogan says it all…

    “Spritz the bowl before you go and no one else will ever know”. We never leave home without it and there is a bottle conveniently placed in our bathrooms!!

    https://www.poopourri.com/

  29. The best way is to NOT do number 2 on a plane. I know sometimes you cannot avoid but planning is your friend here. Go at the lounge before boarding and I can guarantee your experience will be much better. 🙂

  30. “looked like an A380 skidded off a dirt runway during monsoon season.” — I nominate this for quote of the year for OMAAT

  31. Sorry folks, Poopouri (which is magical) will not work in an airplane lav. You spritz it on the water of the bowl. It forms a film on top of the water that both 1) traps the smells below the film and 2) releases pleasant odors by atomization from the dropping and splashing action when the poo hits the water. Because there is no water in an airplane lav, neither number 1 nor number 2 works (and yes I went a very long way to say that).

    My primary observation about airplane bathrooms is that they become hellacious primarily by the fastidious neat freaks than they do the slobs. Slobs don’t care where they go. The neat freaks are so grossed out that they line the bowl with 1000 sheets of toilet paper, soak the room with water, and then don’t want to clean up their mess because they don’t want to touch anything. I won’t even get into the people who don’t come from a Western culture and really don’t understand how to clean themselves with toilet paper and resort to splashing water in a hopeless attempt to recreate a non-existent bidet. Really, go in. Sit down. What’s on the seat, ain’t going to hurt you (you have skin for a reason). Do your business. Close the lid. Flush. Check. Close the lid and flush again if necessary. Wash your damn hands. Drain the sink basin. Wipe it down. Leave.

    This is, of course, the clickbaitingest of all clickbaity threads of all time!

  32. Hope no one here takes a long trip on an Indian train. Cultural attitudes vary. Americans may be the most germophobic in the world.

  33. I have trauma from an incident as a kid. My dad worked for Western Airlines, and at a company picnic won a trip to Oz on Qantas. This was the 70s, and the route stopped in both HNL and NAD. Anyway, as a 9yo kid, I went poop, stopped up the toilet, and my lone memory of this event (I blocked out the rest) was the poor flight attendant working to clean it up and unstop the toilet. I’ll do anything to avoid the possibility of reliving this incident. The stuff of nightmares.

  34. It took me years to finally make #2 on a plane. My first flight was as a teen on TWA to Europe on a 707 many years ago. The lav doors opened out to the aisle. There was a gentleman in the lav apparently dropping the kids off at the pool. As he appeared to be done, he must have been standing trying to pull his underwear and trousers up when we hit turbulence thus falling against the door, opening it, and landing in the aisle bare ass. I was terrified of the airplane toilet after that incident. Maybe 30 years later I finally was able to go on a flight. And this was tough as I frequently flew to Latin America, Asia, and Europe on long flights. I used to drink pepto bismol pre-flight to help slow any movement that may be pending while on board. But I digress. First, I always carry a small package of baby wipes. You can clean your seat tray, arm rest, and more importantly the toilet seat before use. Every flight also seems to have seat liners in the lav. One liner in the bowl helps catch everything and one on the seat provides some additional cleanliness. So, when done, more baby wipes to clean the bum which also act as air freshener, too. For long haul a squirt of moisturizer provided in the lav also helps. The squirt of moisturizer also Upon entry is good when the prior guest has left a lingering personal scent. But in the end (no pun intended) I go in planning to clean the lav if necessary and leave it in good condition when I leave.

  35. I also started flying on 707’s many years ago. The Concorde toilets were really small. I always take 2 lmodiums before a flight. I can count on one hand the number of poops. I hate waiting ages for a 2 minute pee.
    Why no urinals on planes- especially A380’s, marked as such so three men could pee simultaneously. Reduce congestion for everybody.

  36. As a flight attendant of 31 years, I can say the best way to leave the toilet clean for your neighbor is to line the toilet bowl with tissue, pre poop, it serves as Teflon so there tends to be less “skid marks “. Flush immediately after your business to get rid of the initial stink, and for God’s sakes, wash your hands. If residual malodor doth occur, flush a second time, as the vacuum pump in the toilet usually sucks the stench out. And guys, if you discover the previous passenger has left a “calling card”, its always fun to have “target practice”, if ya know that I mean.

  37. A little paper in the bowl sends all the waste right down the hole.

    Only use paper seat covers or toilet paper in sparing amounts for “bowl lining” or suffer the consequences… Paper towels or tissues can clog the entire system.

  38. If you have to start something with “I am not being” it usually means you are. Click bait article

  39. Ben, my advice for you, dont take any major road trip… I had see restrooms that was many time worse than what I see on the airplane. And the smell from those hole in the floor restrooms are bad…really bad on hot days.

    I think you are whining too much.

  40. Nobody can do this bodily function with grace. What you are suggesting is that people do it with consideration. And those that would read such an article/blog post probably already do and those that don’t read things like this are the ones you need to reach out to the most. Soooo, nothing will ever change.

  41. Have a toilet usage rating across all airlines. People rate the toilet after the last person. People who get too many bad ratings should be “reaccomodated”

  42. Great article Lucky!
    One thing you failed to mention, or to caution, is to be very careful when invoking the “courtesy flush”. Unlike at home, these lav’s work on extreme suction, and if you’re firmly planted, the vacuum can cause damage to your body. Quite a few airlines have a caution decal,suggesting that you sit up prior to flushing.

  43. You mentioned to use some paper to clean out the bowl and then wipe out the sink. I’d like to add that wiping the sink and then the bowl is ok but not the other way around. Better still use clean paper for each that way you won’t have to remember if its sink before bowl or bowl before sink.

  44. The #1 rule for leaving it spotless, and it should be the #1 rule overall is to “build a nest”. Line the bottom of the bowl with toilet paper. Do your business and when you flush there will be no residue for the next person.

    The absolute worst is coming in for a #1 only to find some of someone else’s #2 sticking to the bowl. Your #1 dislodges it and makes the smell even worse. Building a “nest” solves the problem. This is what many flight crewmembers do. So file it under “pro tips”.

  45. milgom: Spot on. Having just had my first #2 on a plane the other day (after decades of frequent flying, I might add), I did just that – lined the bowl with toilet paper before going. Spotless after just 1 flush.

  46. Reading this over lunch – THANKS everyone! But if this article encourages just one person to improve their lavatory habits, then more power to Ben.

  47. Great article on an important topic that usually nobody wants to talk about. Very good recommendations have been shared, although I try to adhere to the principle of go before the flight if you can!

    @GrenFish Thanks for sharing such memorable scene, it made me laugh for quite awhile just imagining the whole thing unfolding right before me. And forget being 9, I would have been shocked too & would have avoided using the lavatory ever!

  48. I carry hand sanitizer or lysol wipes. Wipes before sitting down. I also clean my tray table first thing

  49. Well done Lucky. My OCD makes #2 visits on an airline rather tough. You outlined it well and while I was laughing here and there I do appreciate your efforts to educate the masses.

  50. I was on an Air India flight from Delhi to Chicago last month on a 787. I walked back to the toilet and 3 people were in line in front of me. The first 2 were relatively quick, but the guy in front of me took forever. After 20 minutes, a line had formed behind me. I wanted to check the loo on the other side of the galley, but didn’t want to lose my place. Finally, the people behind me got fed up and left, so I crossed the galley to the other side. Hallelujah, no line and the Vacant sign was on! So I yanked open the door, and there was a lady sitting there! She shot me a look and closed the door. Slowpoke finally finished on the original side, so I did my thing while turning blue from holding my breath. Yes, there were 2 other toilets toward the front, but the sink overflowed in one while the other had a half inch of liquid on the floor.

  51. I have never ever dropped a deuce in the air and I intend to keep that streak (…sorry) going as long as I can.

  52. Smells and sights don’t kill anybody–contaminated hands DO. NO matter what else you do or don’t do, make the last “act” a one minute hand washing including between your fingers.
    Never open or close the door without using a towel, and guys, learn from women wearing dresses: keep your pants OFF the filthy floor as much as possible. Most women bunch up their dresses in their laps to accomplish this feat.

  53. I choose Japan Airlines business class whenever I can. As a resident of Asia I now can’t live a life absent access to a nice cleansing spray of water after I’ve finished my business. In Thailand, 99% of toilets are equipped with what Americans would recognize as a kitchen sink sprayer just to the right or left of the commode. My life truly changed when I discovered what is colloquially referred to as the ‘bum sprayer’ and skidmarks are now a thing of the past.

    It should come as no surprise that Japanese Carriers ( most notably Japan Airlines) are equipping their new aircraft toilets with adjustable bidet wands, similar to those found on most high-tech Japanese toilets. When I was flying Singapore to Boston twice a month, on JAL, this made all the difference. I think ANA has them on many of their aircraft as well.

    (As an aside, I wish I had known about this blog back then. Because I was putting my miles on British Airways instead instead of American. Huge mistake! Lucky, I love your blog, and I’m glad I know about it now!)

    Back to toilets:

    I flew a Jet Airways 777 yesterday which has a spray which projects crossways and just beneath the area you’d like to be aiming for, rather than upwards and right into the bulls eye). I’m guessing this is a reflection of cultural rituals of cleanliness which require that you use your hand to angle the water toward the area to be cleaned. At least I’ve seen similar setups when visiting India. Unfortunately, I just can’t bring myself to get my hands involved in cleansing the area. I just can’t. But at least you can get some water into the bowl to clean up any remnants have failed flush.

    Some Middle Eastern carriers (Oman Air on some aircraft) have versions of what Japan Airlines has. While the flow of water is weaker making them less effective, at least the spray is angled upwards.

    Best thread ever. Thanks!

  54. While I care about airplane cleanliness, this article is a bit too silly.

    If people need to poo, they should poo, as long as it safe to go to the toilet – they shouldn’t explode, just because it’s meal time or other such nonsense.

    Nor should people line the low water airline toilets with paper towels or wads of toilet paper, wasting resources or creating excess waste and potential blockages. This is a terrible idea (as is recommending people stick their bare hands in the bowl to wipe the insides – yuk).

    Don’t engage in chemical warfare either – airline toilets already use chemicals and adding random chemicals to the mix can interfere, or worse, create a safety hazard.

    Airlines are part of the problem in reducing the toilet to passenger ratio, which is happening in all classes (looking at you Qantas), and shrinking the toilet spaces, which increasingly makes for dirtier toilets (particularly wetter floors due to tiny wash bowls – wet floors are typically from water falling off people’s hands, not urine).

    One thing I appreciate about some airlines is that they have anti-baterical wipes in the bathrooms for use by each passenger to wipe down hard surfaces, like the door handle, the bolt slide, the soap dispenser, the tap control, the flush button, and finally the outside of the toilet and the seat. Qatar, for example, is one of those airlines.

    Other airlines tend to have an approved 5-in-1 cleaning product that sanitises and deodorises in the toilet, generally in one of the amenity drawers (so do open them and look). If it’s not there, and there is an issue, asking the crew will usually produce it. using the approved cleaner avoids the risk of adverse interactions (or gassing people with your overpowering perfume – some people can have allergic reactions to strong perfumes/deodorants)

    If the bowl is still occupied (and typically it from someone who stuffed the bowl with paper, because airline toilets only use a minimum flush of water, and toilet paper in particular will cling to the bowl far worse than poo, and worse will catch poo due to the nature of the paper), use the paper cups and sink to manually wash it away – takes five seconds normally – and then flush.

    Do not go overboard on flushing, as you’ll speed up the emptying of the flush tank. Once empty, it’s not refillable until on the ground.

    If you are really OCD about a clean bowl, pack your own set of disposable gloves (for god’s sake don’t still your bare hands in there), and pack your own antiseptic wipes, and not only will you get a clean bowl, but you can leave the toilet better than you found it.

    If you are super sensitive about smell, use nose plugs or put an appropriate cream under your nose. Because, guess what, even your poo doesn’t smell like roses (it’s a known fact that we don’t think our poo smells as much as it does to others).

    Of course the smartest tip is take advantage of visiting the toilet at the airport before you board, and avoid eating too much in the hours before you fly or eat foods you know make you go a lot.

    So be sensible about toilets and flying, but don’t go overboard or be silly, it’s so not necessary.

  55. Actually I don’t know why it must be so difficult to leave a place in an acceptable way for the next person to use it. I often see toilets, be it on aircraft or airports or elsewhere, that are absolutely disgusting. I must ask myself whether people would do this at their own home as well or whether they just do not care at all.

    When I use the bathroom on an aircraft, I really try to leave the place as I found it or actually even better than I found it. To me, this is just courtesy, and I hope that I am not alone with that.

  56. At all times, I try to never actually sit on any public toilet. Even with seat covers… But I’m NEVER going to clean the airplane toilet bowl AT ALL. If I need to go dos, not much to stop it.

  57. Last year I quit my job and decided to take 2 weeks in Nepal before starting a new gig. My flight was from NY to Frankfurt, Frankfurt to Singapore, then Singapore to Nepal. Well, I worked and worked all throught the last week to finish things up, and on the last day worked 12 hours before rushing to the airport with my bags. I was so busy, I don’t think I had crapped in over 24 hours. Eight hours and many beers later, we touched down in Frankfurt and I had about 40 mins before my connection, I walked through the terminal to a mens room and quickly found a stall. Of course, like any airport shitter, I had to use a lot of paper to clean off the seat (god I wish people could just be decent to the seats and not piss on them). Anyhow, once I squatted, a horrendously foul stew of solid, liquid and gas began spewing forth from my sphincter. It’s was piles and piles of bad news that wouldn’t stop, and with every clump came an accompanying overture of hisses, dribbles, and pops. After 2 or 3 minutes of steady delivery, I began to hear German guys saying something about my performance. I couldn’t understand their language but the tone wrang through. “Oh my god, what did he eat, oh the smell is lethal, phew, that is the worst shit I’ve ever heard,” and so on. Then I could hear other languages chime in. French and Russians alike were suffering together under the wrath of my bowels. It was like a UN Security Council decrying my disgusting dukey. I was so proud! After that, I washed my hands and went to Nepal.

  58. If everyone would simply “flush as soon as you ‘go'” odors would be reduced by 80%.

    This is such a no brainer.

  59. Oh, and anyone who urinates on a toilet seat in the down position should immediately be sent to prison.

  60. I only scanned some of the comments so this might have been mentioned: everything you said and if you have spray, pre-spray. Because once the doo is out it’s pretty certain everyone will smell poop and perfume. So let them catch a whiff of the pretty first.

    And I agree with the others who think your tips should be best practices for any public space you might stink out some people (planes, offices, someone’s home).

  61. Agree as some have mentioned about Imodium AD. I always take 2 or 3 before any long haul flight. Only once in maybe 1,000 lifetime flights have I had to make stinkies on a plane. Thankfully it was the middle of the night on a flight from São Paulo to Dallas Fort Worth.

  62. This by far the most absurd article I’ve read in 2017 so far. Given Mr. Lucky’s “PROFILE”, you would have thought he would be more familiar with *$h!t happens* situations #ShadeLikeMariah

  63. Seriously sensible post and some of the funniest comments on a post I have read on OMAAT.

    Brings back memories of two tales told me a couple decades ago by a young, freshly minted flight attendant friend who went straight onto the very long overnight hauls a certain South Pacific airline has long been known for.

    At the time, vacuum flush loos were fairly new on her airline’s planes.

    1. Toilet paper races (best played in sparsely booked economy in the middle of the night when pax are asleep and the skeleton shift of FAs are done with chores and bored). Choose two loos opposite each other at the back, one per aisle. leave the doors open. Insert the end of a full roll of loo paper in each bowl just so. Unroll the rest of the roll down the aisle. One FA on each flush button and, on the count of three, both flush simultaneously. Winner is whoever’s entire roll is swallowed whole first.

    2. The ‘passenger loo plug’. Certain pax, from a certain geographical region, tended to be rather large to the point the posteriors of many such pax completely sealed the opening in the seat. If vacuum flush was activated, pax could end up ‘sealed’ onto seat for the duration until some form of pressure release was available. My FA mole swore this happened more than once and that the hapless suction prisoners could sometimes end up being released from their unintended ‘throne’ only once the plane had landed and technicians could release the vacuum pressure.

  64. Knew there’d be a lot of comments and I read and enjoyed every one.

    I always wear track pants to avoid getting the bottoms wet. Wearing ’em right now…

    Oh, geez! About to land – gotta go!

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