Tips For Joining The Mile High Club?

I receive a ton of emails. Some of them are great questions, some of them are questions that could easily be figured out with two seconds of Googling, and then there are those kinds of questions. This past week a reader sent me the following question:

Here’s a pretty real question (and a killer blog post if you have an answer), anyway for us to join the mile high club without losing respect of all crew members?  Haha I’m imagining your face palm right now but… If anyone has a thought it’d be you. I know some of the seats allow two people to open their area into one sort of semi suite or if they have showers I thought that could be an option, albeit a little tough but ” we’ll make it fit” hahaha,  couldn’t help myself there.

I’m not sure whether to be flattered or offended at the prospect of someone thinking I’d be the person to have thoughts on it. The good news is that I certainly do have thoughts on it. The bad news is that I have thoughts on it because I’m a germaphobe, and the thought of someone screwing in the seats I’m sitting in is enough to make me barf.

Now what’s interesting is how the question is phrased. The question isn’t “how do you join the mile high club without getting in trouble/arrested,” but rather “how do you join the mile high club without losing the respect of all the crew members.”

For that matter, I suppose it’s also interesting that the question was asked to begin with. Like many things in life, this might be one of those situations where “if you have to ask, you shouldn’t.”

So I surveyed a few flight attendant friends on this, and have the following thoughts:

The crew does it too

For those flight attendants working longhaul flights with proper crew rests, you’d probably be surprised to hear how many of them join the, ahem, solo mile high club during their breaks. And some of them even join the more “traditional” mile high club.

Crew-Rest

So I wouldn’t be too worried about losing the respect of the crew, because I can assure you they do much worse things, both onboard and during layovers (a while back I remember seeing someone on a certain location based social networking application that wanted people to defecate on him — as luck would have it he was the flight attendant serving my aisle, and as you may have guessed, I declined when he offered me warm nuts).

The crew only cares if they have to

I think there’s a common misconception that flight attendants love to bust people joining the mile high club. They don’t. At a minimum it’s awkward for them, and at worst it’s extra paperwork for them.

So they’ll only care if you give them a reason to care. So don’t be stupid. Don’t try to join in “public,” because then you’re potentially getting into public nudity charges. That’s when you can really get in trouble.

If you try to privately join the mile high club (in a lavatory, enclosed first class suite, etc.), the worst that’s going to happen is that you’re told to knock it off. If/when you’re told to knock it off, knock it off. Keep in mind that disobeying crew member instructions is one of the biggest violations you can make.

Furthermore, if you’re trying to join the mile high club in front of others, that’s when you’re potentially going to get in trouble.

If you’re going to join the mile high club…

Do it in a fully enclosed first class suite.

Etihad-A380-First-Apartment-09

Do it in a shower spa.

Emirates-First-Class-A380-Singapore-35

Do it in a lavatory (no, as a germaphobe, please don’t do it in the lavatory).

ANA-First-Class

Do it in a way that’s not stupid. No one will care. And if you do get caught, don’t try to do it again on the same flight.

In other words, this is not the way to do it:

And neither is this:

But seriously, in the Singapore Airlines Suites double bed I’d be willing to bet that more people join the mile high club than not. Singapore uses white duvets/comforters/blankets for a reason.

Singapore-Suites-Class

Am I the only one that just wants a good meal and some champagne?

Clearly I’m in the minority, but am I the only one happy enjoying a good meal and a couple of bottles of champagne in first class on my longhaul flights?

ANA-First-Class-Food

I’m sure I’ll regret this, but since a reader asked for advice, feel free to share your mile high club experiences/tips below!

Comments

  1. Singapore Airlines did put out that press release asking people to “please not have sex on our airplanes”, after all. After such a polite request it just seems rude to do it anyway.

    Plus, the SQ suite has some small “windows” open to the aisle even when everything is fully enclosed, so it’s pretty certain the FAs would at least be aware of what you were doing if you tried anything.

  2. And if you’re a germaphobe, Lucky would recommend you definitely NOT order a mojito from the Emirates onboard bar.

  3. A good meal, great service, and really good wine and single malt scotch, coupled with a comfortable seat/bed, definitely better than the mile high club. Besides, once you’ve joined, there is no need to “renew your membership” so to speak!

  4. The bit about the shower spa has a very obvious omission: picture of the sign that says “maximum capacity 2”!

  5. To add to this, I think one thing to consider is the culture of the country that the plane/airlines is registered in. In American culture, many people may think “go get a room” when they see a couple do French kisses in public but that’s because they are American. There are many other culture that public displays are more accepting to different degree. For the carriers that the culture is pretty uptight, if you get caught doing something you could get in trouble, while on the one that they are more understanding, if you get caught, it maybe ok, but if they tell you to stop, then you should not do it again on that same flight.

    Not that I have had experience doing any of this myself (I travel alone mostly). I could see some opportunities in a few (from 100+ international first class experiences on various carriers). Lufthansa First Class on A380 is a good example. The galley is aft of F cabin, the 2 bathrooms are big and nice and up front where there is no traffic except for all the F pax (8 pax or less). The purser may walk up and down the stairs but only during the meal service. On the flight that only have 3-4 pax it could be easy to do. Thai A380 is another good example. However they only have 1 big nice bathroom on the port side. Thai cultures are ok with it (I am Thai so I know).

    I spoke with EK flight crews on A380 bars a few times and they saw mile high club happening a lot. They told me that usually they just knock into the suite door and tell them politely to stop. The FAs also told me they found a condom in the suite quite a few times.

  6. During my days as a FA with SQ, I had a passenger once got it on with his partner in JCL. I rem it was the 77W and one of the last few rows. They were both in blankets and you knew they were bopping up and down. It was hilarious how word got around and we (the FAs) tooks turns to “patrol” the cabin and passed them by and giggled to each other in the galleys. No one stopped them because they were not causing any disturbances at all and they were out of view of other passengers (no JCL passengers need to go behind because the bathrooms were at D2L/D2R.

    Good times.

  7. The bumper sticker, “Kids in the back seats cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause Kids” applies here. XOXO

  8. Alright Ben, only going to ask because you seem pretty open (and hilarious), but have you joined?

  9. @Lantean — From the look of the pictures, the EY A380 F beds connect only at the head, but there’s still a wall between you from the chest down. Seems about appropriate for enforcing a UAE sense of propriety. Of course, in The Residence, I assume all bets are off.

  10. I would have thought it was like using the showers — you have to just because they’re there. Having the double bed on an airplane as a couple would be tempting.
    The only problem is that the airlines that have these “suites” are also from pretty repressed/prudish countries (Singapore, Etihad, Asiana) so that you might actually get banned from flying them, or worse, even if the curtain or door was closed.
    I’m waiting to see what happens when Air France has private suites on planes!

  11. There are private plane services that offer this, ahem, experience. I seem to recall seeing a Groupon offer or something similar around Valentine’s Day and the price was maybe $100-$200 which included champagne and chocolates. I’m sure the flight time was probably only 30 minutes and the champagne was nothing to write home about, but obviously drink/food aren’t the main focus. Though I suppose some people may opt for a commercial flight because of the thrilling potential to get caught being naughty?

  12. FYI some airlines, like Emirates, have numerous cameras covering the passenger cabin. I know several pilots who have enjoyed watching the free inflight adult videos as passengers thought they were having fun in the privacy of their suites!

  13. I’ve done it in the Singapore Suites for my honeymoon. Really easy, just waited about half an hour after the main meal finished. Everyone seemed pretty much asleep. We saw the F/A came through the aisles at least twice, but i dont think they noticed…

  14. @ Chris — Hah, that’s a great point! Though I suppose if you stay low enough they can’t see anyway…

  15. @ Bgriff — Correct, in the First Apartment only the area around your heads (the big ones, that is) can turn into one bed.

  16. I was wondering about the Emirates A380 shower and its “maximum capacity 2 people” sign. When the shower attendant come to ask if you want to make an appointment for your shower time and you are travelling with your girlfriend/boyfriend, is it legit to ask if you can take a shower together? If the sign is correct they have to say yes i think.

  17. “Do it in a lavatory (no, as a germaphobe, please don’t do it in the lavatory).”

    I hate to be the one to point this out to a germaphobe that travels constantly, but people do much worse than merely have sex in the lavatory. 😉

  18. The idea that fornication is something to try on a Middle-Eastern carrier seems like some really bad advice, and yet perfectly appropriate for the idiot who thinks a random travel blog is the best place for “killer” sex advice. My money is on this question being written by a clueless teenager.

  19. @John – or they did notice and just showed a little discretion as long as you weren’t causing any sort of disturbance. 😉

  20. @Mark — with your (opposite-sex) husband/wife, you could ask … with your girlfriend/boyfriend or same-sex partner you would be breaking the law in the UAE if you did it on the ground, so I can’t imagine they would be thrilled.

    @John — Especially given that it is SQ, I am 100% sure that they noticed. This is the airline that would have noticed if your beverage was only 60% full…

  21. I feel like the SQ suites aren’t really private enough unless you are absolutely silent. I think the LH A380 style bathrooms are probably the perfect setup.

  22. @ Dax — You’re of course entitled to be your grumpy self, but I think you’re being a bit harsh on Middle Eastern carriers. Maybe it’s time you fly them a bit more.

  23. @ Mark — It’s only supposed to be one person per shower unless that person “requires assistance.” I suppose it’s up to the purser to interpret what that means. But in general that’s a no-no.

  24. Regarding the last picture in your blog – did you actually get a whole tin of caviar for your breakfast? Okay, thinking about having my way with those little beauties. Yum.

  25. The most embarrassing thing about doing it in the lav is both of you coming out together or one coming out and the other staying in and locking the door. The confused faces of those standing in line….

  26. I’m surprised you didn’t mention Ralph Fiennes and the Qantas flight attendant from a few years ago! I thought it reached headlines, no?
    I don’t have any tips but I recall on one of my EK flights a couple celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary were able to spend 30 minutes in the EK shower spa together. No idea if they got 10 mins of running water or not but they were in there for a long time.
    I’d say the Residence is probably the best place given you can close the door and have ultimate privacy (well, except your butler might knock.) Unlike SQ suites, EY apts, and EK suites, the Residence bedroom is completely enclosed.

  27. Assistance comes in many forms. Out of curiosity, how is it that you know about the “requires assistance” rule?

  28. For the record, I’ve been a loyal follower of your blog and this is quite possibly one of my favorite posts!

  29. I guess no one else feels this way, but in the last 10-15 years, every time I go into a standard airplane restroom I find it impossible to imagine the logistics (for two). I mean . . . . Unless they are both really, really small and flexible people . . . . Maybe it’s a lack of imagination.

  30. This is the funniest post ever. The “fluffing” question made me burst out laughing. Also brings back fond memories of LHR-LAX flight in 1984 on a TWA 747. Coach lav wasn’t exactly comfy but it sure was fun 🙂

  31. Very funny discussion.

    If someone is interested in reading about some experiences, fun stories, share yours or has already performed “the deed” and wants a t-shirt to prove it, take a look: http://www.milehighclub.com LOL

    The way they describe themselves is exactly that Ben suggests in his post about crews…

    “Welcome to the official web site of the Mile High Club — the exclusive club that pilots, flight attendants and daring airline passengers have been whispering about since early flight”

    Not a member yet myself though… LOL

  32. …so just because this is a topic of conversation…this is sex on a plane related. Give you consider jerkin off sex.

    There is a video, let us call it a petite mort of cinema verite, of a young man, his reading material, and an insistent urge, which he indulges in, to completion, during initial descent into Houston. Yet another reason not to fly United. Not only is it the most brazen thing I have ever seen, he generously splatters the two seats next to him (unoccupied) in such abundance it’s well….shocking. Mind boggling really. I’d post it here, but that certainly would be in bad taste, however if you want the link I’d be happy to forward it to you. So you too can be shocked and amazed at just exactly what goes on in coach, with the lights on! 😉

  33. I’ll follow John. Great Blog, Ben. Great Answer EK Shower doesn’t have a heated floor for nothing. Singapore 380 Biz have same size as EK just no shower. I remember some 777 had a handicap bathroom in coach that was quite large. I remember thinking about you missing ur shower on that one flight. In any event like Lucky advises, be cool & I add be safe.

  34. @ Jana — Yep, ANA serves caviar directly in the tin. Even the airlines that don’t serve you the tin usually serve you a portion equivalent to a personal tin.

  35. Sometimes vacations just start off on a good note at the lounges and then on the planes! Without giving too many details, a fellow F pax on the same flight (to ZRH) and I happened to hit it off well at the bar in Swiss lounge at ORD (terrible lounge by the way). Then later on somewhere over the Atlantic, we discretely made it to the lav together. And there was an awkward walk back as one of the crews was right there as we came out. whooops.

  36. @BHill – LMAO

    @Ben – This post is awesome. Keep it up! (Tried to join the club but the flight was way too turbulent)

  37. I recently was on a Qatar airways out of LHR with my girlfriend sat in the middle. Whilst taxiing out we noticed the Asian couple sat across from us – the girl pulled the blanket over herself and went down on her partner. Now we were thinking noooooo wayyyyy could this be happening across the aisle from us. But as the vigour increased it made it harder to find another explanation. She finished up….quietly reached for the sick bag and spat out into it….thanks for taking me to London honey???

  38. lucky says @ Dax — “You’re of course entitled to be your grumpy self, but I think you’re being a bit harsh on Middle Eastern carriers. Maybe it’s time you fly them a bit more.”

    @ Lucky — I’ve read some pretty harrowing tales about tourists being detained and jailed or caned over acts as harmless as hugging and kissing in countries that considered to be among the most “progressive” in the Middle East. Are those stories wrong? Are those claims nothing but lies? Are those laws unenforceable if performed on an aircraft? What about those in coach. Do you think they’re given the benefit of the doubt if they happen to be caught? I cannot imagine risking a stay in a foreign prison over something as silly and sophomoric as screwing in a public restroom.

  39. @ben, I almost spit my drink out when I read the quote, glad you decided to make the post! Comments are histerical! We made excellent use of the private cabanas in the wing lounge before departure. Will have to look into some of these suggestions for our next big trip. Gotta try everything once.

  40. Nik, please do post or send the link. You can post it with discretion by simply changing the dot characters to the word ” dot ” and so forth, to prevent it from being accidentally clickable.

  41. I just joined the mile high club in SQ Suite. We did it when the lights are still on, and FA walking outside, I would guess they know what’s going on and just ignored us. Had a great time BTW.

  42. The old center J lav on AA 767s was big enough. The trick was to go in at meal time as everyone else was on their fat arses eating the gruel served in J.

    My girlfriend at the time was a bit of a screamer.

  43. I am a private pilot and have iniated several women into the club in small aircraft but have always wanted to “do it” in an airline lav or shower. Thanks for all the practical tips!

  44. @slipkid Regarding small aircraft, I remember reading a very carefully worded NTSB report on that subject a while back. They didn’t survive, by the way.

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