If you’re anything like me, you’re not looking forward to the Fifty Shades Of Grey movie, which comes out in 2015. The book was simply an artistic masterpiece, beautifully written — an orgy of words, if you will — and there’s no way the movie can measure up to, let alone top the book.
But that won’t stop some hotels from trying to capitalize on the movie coming out.
Embrace your naughty side with this sexy package, which includes an aphrodisiacal meal, couples massage, little black box of goodies and round-the-clock butler service.
Price and inclusions:
- Welcome glass of champagne
- 2 nights overnight accommodation in a Jacuzzi Suite
- Full Scottish breakfast each morning (can also be served in your Suite)
- Tasting menu in Blackwood’s Bar & Grill on one night. This is a bespoke menu, created and agreed in consultation with the guest. Chef will make recommendations about the finest seasonal and local produce and, of course, incorporate a selection of aphrodisiac ingredients. The dishes can also be paired with suitable wines and/or whiskies. The meal can be served in the atmospheric Blackwood’s Bar and Grill restaurant or by waiter service in the bedroom
- Couples Aromatherapy Massage in your Suite (Nira Caledonia works with local spa provider Energetics to provide in-room massage treatments. The Energetics spa team will set up massage beds in your bedroom and provide a couples’ sensual massage using a selection of aromatherapy oils)
- Black Box (which includes Feather tickler, Fluffy handcuffs, Strawberries dipped in chocolates or homemade Truffles)
- Massage oil (Ann Summers)
- Butler (including private mobile phone for guest so they have 24/7 access to the butler)
Rates for this package start at £995, or you can upgrade to a package which includes a champagne bath for £2,000.
Jacuzzi Suite at Nira Caledonia hotel
My initial thoughts are:
- I’m not impressed. No sex dungeon? An aphrodisiacal meal and “little black box” does not Fifty Shades Of Grey make. As far as Christian Grey would be concerned, this is more vanilla than the ice cream sundaes American serves on international flights.
- An extra £1,005 for a champagne bath? What are they filling the tub with, Krug?
- 24/7 “access” to the butler? I hope they’re compensating him/her well.
Why call something a “romance package” when you can make it sound much dirtier than it is… right?