Make us laugh and win a free night at a Hilton hotel!

As you’ve probably seen, several bloggers here on BoardingArea are giving away free night certificates at Hilton properties (including View from the Wing, Things in the Sky, and MJ on Travel). Anyway, I have one of these “Be My Guest” certificates as well, which is good for one free night (room and tax) at any participating Hilton property in the US through June 30, 2010.

I was going to just do a simple “leave any comment and I’ll use a random number generator to determine the winner” contest, but it seems like everyone else is doing that as well, so I figured we might as well get a bit creative.

Instead just make us laugh. It has to be related to aviation/travel/miles/points. It can be a joke, a funny travel story, something funny you overheard, etc. You can enter as often as you’d like (given that it requires some creativity) through midnight eastern time on Sunday, February 21, at which point I’ll choose a winner.

I’ve asked my brother to be the judge, so he’ll be deciding which comment is the funniest and most entertaining (yes, I realize that’s subjective, but there’s no other way to judge this stuff…. I won’t be influencing him). Many thanks to Boarding Area and Hilton for the free night certificate.

So, let’s hear your stories! If you have something to share you have a great chance at winning the free night, given that there will likely be substantially fewer entries than through the other contests where you can post anything.

Comments

  1. The funniest travel story I have ever heard relates to a complaint that I have in PDF–Can I email you the PDF?

  2. Just so I can enter (am I even eligible), I rang up the 1K desk to ask them to search award space from Fresno, California to Fukuoka, Japan.

    Too subtle for you?

  3. Funniest for me happened at the end of last year. I was away for work and doing a mileage run on the weekend. As I was walking out of my hotel room I heard some noises coming from the room next door. I stopped for a second, heard what was going on (yes, it was just what you were thinking), and just smirked as I walked down the hall.

    My wife said I should have knocked on the door; I decided against that.

  4. @ sean — Feel free to email it to me, as long as it’s ok to share if you win (if details need to be omitted, that’s fine).

    @ Gary — ROFLMAO! I have tears in my eyes. Seriously.

  5. Well, here’s my story:

    (BTW Lucky, I read your blog all the time, but I’m more of a blog voyeur, so I don’t comment often)

    My friend, who is a pilot, is really into musical theater. Specifically, he loves the musical version of Legally Blonde. While his co-pilot was making the initial descent announcement on the PA, my friend was mindlessly singing the opening song of the musical, which starts out with a big “OH MY GOD!”. After landing, the FA informs my friend that the entire cabin heard my friend say “OH MY GOD” in the background during the announcement and everyone, including the FA, pretty much freaked out, thinking something was wrong.

    I think that’s pretty funny. Maybe?

  6. How about juggling in all the places you visit? On one of my trips I went to Brazil/Florida and juggled everywhere. I received some wierd looks, I got drenched in water (about 2/3 of the way through), I juggled in front of my hotel with a fire-juggling pan handler and even took a ride on a “sandboard” while juggling. Bloopers are at the end of the video. If the final wipeout at the very end (after the credit screen) doesn’t make you laugh then you need to get your funnybone checked out. And as always I enjoy reading your blog.

    Here’s the video:

  7. I traveled with a bunch of skydiving mates on a CO domestic sector a few years back, pre 9/11. We all had our parachutes with us and carried them on board as hand-luggage. We sit down in 10DEF, and 11DE… the guy in 11F looks mighty confused, and a tad nervous… I said to him “Oh, did you not get one at check-in too?”

    🙂

  8. On a similar vein, if restaurants were run like airlines.

    Bookings made more than 6 months in advance get a $20 discount.
    Bookings made less than 2 months in advance have a $20 surcharge.
    Bookings made less than 1 week in advance have a $50 surcharge.
    People who turn up without a booking may have either a $200 surcharge or none depending on how busy the restaurant is.

    It will cost more to eat on Friday through Monday.

    A tablecloth surcharge is compulsory – $5 for one person, $10 for two people, $50 for 4 people, $100 for 6 or more people.

    Dessert is $20 per person if prepaid, or $50 if paid on the day.

    The bathroom will only be available for 5 minutes in between main course and dessert.

    The oldest wait-staff will serve the tables expected to give the most tips.

    The best table is reserved for law enforcement.

    Seating has been enhanced to squeeze an extra 3 tables in.

    All coats & umbrellas must be checked at the door for a fee of $20 per item. Every night 10 coats will be given to our staff and the rest returned to random diners.

    To ensure on time performance, the dinner sitting will now commence at 3pm.

    The maitre d is a pervert, so to save paying him we have installed a nudiescope at the door.

    Please remain seated until the credit card has been processed and the tip approved.

    Thank you for dining at Airlines Restaurant – proud winner of DineTrax Restaurant of the Year Award.

  9. I stayed at W Chicago city center in October. I went to the wrong room and to my surprise I was able to open the door. One guy was in the room so i asked him what he was doing in my room. He aplologized and left the room, then came back 5 minutes later… apparently he just got his room 5 minutes before me and thought he was in the wrong room!

  10. Scene: I’m sitting in an exit row aisle on an AA MD80. A couple is coming down the aisle, she is carrying a baby while he manages the carry-ons. As they get near me, I say to her (she’s in front) “You know you can put those [gesturing to the baby] in the overhead now, right?”

    She was obviously considering it before He laughed and snapped her out of it…

  11. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault…..it was the asphalt!”

  12. What happens to your farts on an airplane? I’ve never smelled mine or my neighbors and regularly play the cabin trombone.

  13. I was on the tarmac on a United flight for an hour or so waiting for some mechanical difficulty to be fixed. Then I heard the most alarming cockpit announcement I’ve ever heard: “Folks, we’re going to power the aircraft down and power it back up again and see if that takes care of the problem.”

  14. A blond gets on a plane and goes up to first-class.

    The flight attendant tells her that she will have to move back; her ticket is not for first class. The blond says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to California.”

    The main flight attendant is brought in and explains that she will have to move.

    The blond says, “I’m blond, I’m beautiful, and I’m going to California.”

    The attendants tell the pilot. He comes in and looks the situation over. He leans over and whispers something to the blond and she gets up immediately and moves out of first class.

    The attendants are flabbergasted, “What did you say to her?”

    “I just told her that this section of the plane doesn’t go to California.”

  15. On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

  16. Two planes arrived at flight control at exactly the same time. Flight control said, “Delta, Continental, you both arrived at the same time. Who wants to go first?”

    The Continental pilot immediately heard, “Go ahead, Delta, I’ll wait!”

  17. “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

  18. “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.”

  19. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

  20. A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?” The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?” The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The little boy admitted that she did. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”

  21. When asking a “customer service” agent at the USAIR desk in Phoenix of if there was a phone number I could call to leave feedback on poor service she replied, “No, now why would we have that? So people could complain all day?!?”

  22. How about some pilot humor:

    The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:
    The second officer says, “Oh s***!”
    The first officer says, “I have an idea!”
    The captain says, “Hey, watch this!”

    Never fly the ‘A’ model of anything.

    You’ve never really been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.

    Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwinds.

    You can only tie the record for flying low.

    A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

    The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate.

    There are four ways to fly: the right way, the wrong way, the company way and the captain’s way. Only one counts.

  23. Last March I went to Easter Island (on an Aadvantage business award, of course!) There is a road that loops all the way around the island, maybe 35 miles, so I got an early start and hoped (it turns out successfully) that I’d be by myself when I reached some of the moai. In any case, it was getting late when a jeep passed me, one male driver and 3 very attractive women in the cabin. They stopped and asked me if I needed a ride, and how can you say no? In any case, it turns out they were going to the “hidden” second beach on the island to go skinny dipping (“embolas” is a good word to know in Spanish, since none of them knew much English!).

    The funny bit was the next day – it turned out this was the flight attendant crew for my LAN flight back to Santiago! My seatmate was some wealthy Chinese businessmen (there were maybe 5 older Chinese men in business class, and he seemed to be in charge). Throughout the flight, the female flight attendants kept coming over to talk with us, even the two I’d met who were working coach. The poor businessman was confused the whole way back, hah.

  24. @Gary – hahahahah
    @Lewis, TL – Nice!

    Kinda funny, kinda gross. So my wife, 3 month old daughter, and i were traveling over the holidays from ATL-CMH-ORD-ATL. ATL-CMH went by without incident. We showed up at CMH to travel to ORD a few days later when our daughter pooped in the terminal. No big deal. Wiped her up and, just as we were closing up the diaper, she pooped again. Weird. So we wiped her up and, just as my wife put the clean diaper under her butt, she pooped again! Uh oh, we were worried at that point, being down to only 2 clean diapers. I mean, who figures they need more than 4 clean diapers for a 1 hour flight, right? We changed her AGAIN and, with 1 clean diaper left in the bag, prayed for the best. The good news is that she didn’t poop again. The bad news? She threw up. Twice. Fortunately, we had TWO clean sets of clothes for her, so we were able to get her on the plane and to Chicago in a relatively odor free state!

  25. I just want to share some funny stories about flying in Africa, since these are not my stories, I’m not gonna join the contest:

    You know you are flying in Africa when: (passenger)

    -sharing the transit lounge at the airport with rats bigger than cats

    -When ground marshallers park the a/c so the Jet blast is facing the Fuel
    storage and Bowser

    -when 100 people, 10 goats and 4 spare tires for a AN12 disembark from a YAK 40

    -Having 40 passengers in a 33 seater airplane

    -When one of the passenger decides to boil water in the aisle and begins by lighting a fire

    -When one of the passenger decides to open the emergency exit because it’s too hot inside

    -When the passengers, hostess and pilots ALL speak different languages

    -When AK47 is considered carry on baggage

    -When live crocodiles are considered carry on baggage

    -At the airport, you come across the security guys x-raying the guns they are just about to put on your aircraft

    -Restrictive regulations regarding the transport of live animals are resolved by slaughtering the animals with a machete on the ramp.

    -When night falls, you are still in the air and the captain asks the passengers if they see a runway anywhere

    -When the hostess reminds you to fasten your seatbelt, then realises your seat doesn’t have them

    -The safest thing to drink with minimum chance of food poisoning is booze

    -When the Captain announces ‘We are now flying over xxxxx’ and one of the passenger asks the hostess ‘Can you ask the captain to drop me off here’

    🙂

  26. Aloha from Hawaii. I really need to get away from all of this sun and surf. An east coast stay at a Hilton would really be nice now.

  27. I can’t remember where I heard that, hopefully not a FT thread! But here we go (and it might be a true story):

    An old white woman is seating in coach next to a young African-American man. The woman keeps glancing at her neighbors with suspicious eyes, and finally calls an FA, asking loudly: “excuse me, could you get me a seat in business class? I can’t seat next to this black man, it’s just wrong.” People around gasp in horror, but the FA simply says: “let me check if there are any seats left”.
    She returns a minute later and says: “It turns out we have one seat left. Would you like to move up front, sir? I can’t let you sit next to that awful woman”.

    Funny? Sarcastic? You decide!

  28. Along the lines of Gary’s submission, you can also have fun by asking for a quote from Fresno to Kokkola/Pietarsaari, Finland. Or Dickinson, ND. Unfortunately, Burtonwood, England, doesn’t have commercial service.

    Fresno-Sioux Falls is not as good, but still amusing.

    As both a lover of childish humor and a former Fresnan, I hope the city never succeeds in its quest to get the IATA code changed to FYI.

  29. Continue:

    You know you are flying in Africa when: (pilot)

    -One is only mildly surprised when a destination airport’s actual location is more than 2 miles away from the published co-ordinates

    -An aircrafts’ wheel change can take all day, but an airplane parked overnight can be retrieved in the morning, minus fuel, wheels, landing gear, engines, propellers, seats, instruments and radios

    -“Push Back” consists of a gang of local people manually rotating the tires in reverse.

    -when handling, navigation, parking and landing fee’s exceed the GDP of most nations in Africa

    -Being an alcoholic is a pre-requisite for being a customs, immigration or security officer as well as being a chronic sleeper

    -Go around due to giraffes on the runway

    -Go around due to elephants on the runway

    -Go around due to humans on the runway

    -The Ohh’s and Ahh’s from the passengers are you best form of weather radar

    -The only way to get the ATC’s attention is to pass low over the tower. Especially bad during the holidays

    -ATC: ”Cleared to land, watch out for the goats on the runway!”

    -“Wakup” from ATC = We Copy.

    -When you declare a mayday and ATC asks you to standby whilst continuing to talk to other traffic who is his relation

    -“Call again short, short final”
    “Call again on ground, have a nice time”

    -“Declaring an emergency, we have had an engine failure, returning to the field.”

    Tower: “Roger cleared to return to the field”

    minutes pass…

    Tower: “Keep your speed up I have a lot of traffic!”

    -When you ask the “controller” what is the other traffic position and he answers, with an increasing pitch of his voice: “you are visual, you have to look for traffic!”

  30. On an intercontinental flight the entertainment system for the whole plane didn’t work after we reached cruising altitude. PAs were made repeatedly to apologize and inform us what was happening. Apparently, they had to reboot the entertainment system -which was manufactured by Sony- several times! They also told us that they got “blue screens”. While some fellow passengers were joking that they hope no vital systems were running as buggy as the entertainment system, others suspected that the Sony entertainment system ran on Microsoft Windows.

  31. @Gary –

    If a passenger was originating in Hot Springs–and Fresno is just a stopover–it might be worth waiting it out.

  32. this is a personal story. Grew up in Europe and always took English classes. But when I moved to the US for a full year exchange student program I quickly realized how little English I knew. I struggled so much to keep up in school, it was a year full of culture shocks. I especially had trouble “getting” the slangs. I always had my dictionary with me. One slang in particular just baffled me! It was “Shit hits the fan”….I knew the word shit but I just had no idea how it related to the word fan my dictionary was telling me. And just picturing it was…well, it was not that pretty picture:-) It was finally explained to me (slowly) by a good friend I made:-)

  33. My wife and I privately refer to most of our mile-related transactions as ‘point whoring’.

    Back during our engagement we were visiting her parents and she called out from her laptop that she had just booked a hotel earning a triple point bonus for an upcoming business trip. Without thinking I immediately patted her on the head and said, “That’s my little whore.”

    Words fail to describe the look of threat on the face of her father (a former Marine). Serious fast-talking was required.

  34. With apologies to Gerry Rafferty

    I know why I came here tonight
    I’m trying to win a Hilton free night

    I’m so scared it’s my worst fear
    And I’m wonderin’ what if the upgrade doesn’t clear
    Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
    Here I am, stuck in the middle seat
    Yes, I’m stuck in the middle seat
    And I’m wonderin’ what it is I should do
    It’s so hard to keep this frown from my face
    Losin’ control, yeah, I’m all over the place
    Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
    Here I am, stuck in the middle seat
    Well you started off with no status and
    You’re proud that you’re a star gold man, yeah
    And your friends they all come crawlin’
    Slap you on the back and say
    Please…
    Please…
    Tryin’ to make some sense of it all
    But I can see there makes no sense at all
    Is it cool to be a miles whore
    I don’t think that I can take any more
    Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
    Here I am stuck in the middle seat
    Stuck in the middle seat
    Stuck in the middle seat
    Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
    Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
    Stuck in the middle seat
    Stuck in the middle seat
    Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
    Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
    Here I am stuck in the middle seat
    Well you started off with no status and
    You’re proud that you’re a star gold man, yeah
    And your friends they all come crawlin’
    And slap you on the back and say
    Please…
    I say please…

    I know why I came here tonight
    I’m trying to win a Hilton free night

    I’m so scared it’s my worst fear
    And I’m wonderin’ what if the upgrade doesn’t clear
    Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right
    Here I am, stuck in the middle seat
    Stuck in the middle seat
    Oh, yeah
    Stuck in the middle seat
    Here I am
    Stuck in the middle seat
    Middle seat, middle seat, middle seat …

  35. Friends of the family, while drunk (as usual, it seems) dared one another that they could not get a dog on an airplane. Mike had a St. Bernard, and the two of them managed to board in Los Angeles and travel to Hawaii one evening by having Mike wear sunglasses and his friend accompany him, explaining that the large, drooling, unruly but friendly canine was in fact a seeing-eye dog. Neither man had informed his wife of his plan to travel to Hawaii that evening (as the plan only came up as a bar bet), and when they arrived in Hawaii and called home, the wives insisted on flying out to join them. For the return, they had to pay to ship the dog.

  36. I was taking a United flight and the captain came on the PA system to greet us. He had a stereotypical Texan drawl accent and said…

    “I’ll crank up this here Channel 9 for y’all. I don’t know why you wanna listen to that noise – it gives me a headache.” Ha ha….

  37. Hope this works to get a night at a Hilton… Sitting in the exectuive lounge of the Palmer House Hilton with my sister and aunt. We started talking about my sisters boss Scott. Well, Schaaaat, he is a smaaaart faaaaart, and he drives his caaaaart to the paaarrrkk, whaaaat..
    Well i have video of this. and it is hilarious. what makes it even more funny other than being there, is that there was a man sitting at a table near us on his computer, and he never once looked up,smiled or anything. Smug he was! It was hilarious and memorable.
    wish i new how to put the video on here
    pick me!

  38. Stayed at a hotel in December. Instead of bar soap, there was a bottle attached to the shower wall marked Shower/Shampoo Gel. Then below it said Shampooing Gel Douche. I didn’t know if it was another language or if it were calling me names!

  39. A few years ago, before Delta amended its dress code for buddy pass travelers, male passengers on a pass were required to folllow a dress code, including leather shoes, before being placed in business class. I found myself at JFK en route to Rome, with wide open availability on business class, but only tennis shoes on my feet and in my carry-on. The ticket agent issued me a business class seat, but then, as I walked away from the counter, she eyed my shoes, and quickly darted around the counter, confiscating the ticket she had just issued me, and reissuing me a coach seat. My pleading of genuine ignorance about the dress code and begging for mercy did not change her mind. So, resourceful traveler that I am, I walked through the boarding area and asked men who looked to have feet about my size to swap their shoes with me until I got on board. Most people looked at me with fear and suspicion, even after I explained my case. A number refused on grounds of safety (did they really think someone would risk detection in planting a bomb by trying to put it on someone else’s feet?); others objected on hygeine grounds. One old man pointed his finger at me in anger, saying “someone will agree to do this” and then followed me around as I asked other passengers to swap shoes. Finally, a nice young man agreed, noting that my ASICS skeakers looked more expensive than his well worn suede shoes. After changing shoes, I went back to the ticket counter and traded out my ticket again after showing my now compliant shoes to the ticket agent. Then, after boarding the business class section of the plane, I put on the slippers Delta gave me and handed the suede shoes backto my new friend as he passed me on the way to his coach seat. So, I got my hard-earned business class seat, and later sent a few drinks, to my friend, for which he was profoundly grateful! Shortly after this incident Delta abandoned its dress code for buddy pass travelers. I like to think there was a cause-and-effect relationship.

  40. A few days ago, when I was in CAN, I overheard some customers complained to the CZ stand-by agent (one and only one in CAN) that they were refused boarding at the gate due to CZ overbook the day before and were not able to board any flights because of full flights thereafter. And they were not given any compensation at all.

  41. This happened to my husband. He was leaving a restaurant with a carryout box of leftovers containing a burger and fries. There was a young scruffy, punk rock looking guy panhandling on the sidewalk, with his dog. He asked my husband for money, my husband said he didn’t have any, but he offered the hamburger leftovers instead. The guy replied, “F*** you man, I’m vegetarian!” My husband said, “Well, here, you can give it to your dog.”‘ Then the guy got irate and said, “F*** you! My DOG is vegetarian too!!” True story—from the mean streets of Austin Texas.

  42. “Welcome to Washington Dulles. Connecting passengers please follow the signs. For Terminating Passengers, please procced to most ridiclous form of transport in the world – the Mobile Lounge.

    Thank you for choosing United”…

  43. “I speak jive.”

    Makes me laugh just thinking of it. And then I was in the middle of nowhere, Chiapas, Mexico, and saw a big dude wearing a T-shirt that said this. To this day, I’m still working through how I would’ve explained the joke in Spanish. Wish I’d at least complimented him on his shirt.

  44. Also, not an official entry, but just a comment: for some reason, caelus’s jokes about African air travel actually make me _want_ to fly an African airline.

    Maybe that’s actually funnier than my previous comment.

  45. Oops, I just realized it was supposed to be related to travel. The first story doesn’t count, unless you count walking as traveling. Here’s a travel story that happened to me, just recently:

    I was on a low-rent “river cruise” in Texas and had to use the ladies room. This was in December and we were on a boat, so mind you it was really cold. I was wearing a coat, hat, scarf, mittens, the whole getup. I located the “ladies room” which unfortunately had no door on it. Luckily there WAS a door on the stall…with no lock. I look at the toilet and it’s stainless steel, and has no seat (like a prison toilet). I think, There’s NO WAY I’m sitting on that. However, I can’t squat and hold the door shut at the same time. I choose to focus on my business and not the door, so it’s just kind of propped closed. BIG mistake. Suddenly a woman walks in on me, and as I’m jumping up to try and close the door, one of my mittens falls from my coat pocket into the stainless steel toilet! Horribly, I also ended peeing on myself in the process! I’m holding the door shut now, freaked out that I’ve just peed all over myself and that my mitten is in a boat toilet. I look down at my mitten in this toilet thing and just grit my teeth and (aaah!) retrieve it. It’s completely gross, but I think, well maybe I can wash it with soap and water in the sink. I leave the stall, go to the sink…no soap. I rinse it with water…no towels. So, I leave the “ladies room” and go back to the upper deck, with shame on my face, pee on my pants, and holding 1 wet toilet glove. AND I couldn’t wash my hands (remember, no soap). I’m also pretty sure the woman that saw all this go down has told her friends, as they are now all staring at me. Luckily, my mom had some hand sanitizer, which made things a little better, but not by much. The notorious boat cruise “incident” still remains one for the record books!

  46. On a flight from ATL to Las Vegas, 2 guys buy the upgrade to business class on AirTran and LOUDLY brag about how they will drink their $99.00 upgrade on the “WAY OUT TO VEGAS”. 3 drinks on the ground at the gate with 2 different types of alcohol, in air they switch alcohol again and have 2 more, 45 minutes into the flight they are both passed out and drooling on themselves. They are sitting in seats 2D & 2F. After they are passed out the PAX in seat 1C reaches into the top shirt pocket of the guy in 2D, takes his cell phone, turns it on, puts it in airplane mode, takes a picture of the 2 drooling passed out guys and puts it in the send box. We land in Vegas, everyone turns on their phones, 2D’s phone rings and everyone heres him say “No Mom, I’m not in Vegas, no, I haven’t been drinking! What picture, what are you talking about….” As we all leave chuckling what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but you have to get there first 🙂

    Rosemary

  47. An old joke:

    A hick from Texas comes to Harvard. He doesn’t know his way
    around very well, so he goes up to an upperclassman and asks,
    “Hey, where’s the library at?” The Harvard guy replies, “Here
    at Harvard, we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
    The Texan thinks about that for a minute, then asks, “Hey,
    where’s the library at, as%&^le?”

  48. OK, travel related,sort of:

    Summer of 1985, as a U.S. Naval Academy Midshipman (Naval cadet) I am sent to sea on a one month training cruise aboard a deployed missile destroyer. I spend two days traveling, including a ludicrously long flight on a C-130 military transport plane, huddled and shivering on the floor, wondering if my ears will ever recover from the incessant and ridiculously loud engine noise. I spend 5 days on Diego Garcia, a strategically significant but otherwise useless rock in the middle of the Indian Ocean, before the ship even arrives to take me on board. I spend 20 days at sea, three of which involved navigating a monsoon, the advantage of which is I learned how to walk on the bulkheads (walls) whilst we took repeated 35 degree rolls. The disadvantage is having to actually tie oneself into your bed to even contemplate sleep. As the end of my training time nears, the ship is inconveniently far from anything approaching a port. Solution? A helicopter hovers above the (non-flight deck equipped) destroyer, and winches me from the deck in a horse collar harness, flies me to Masira, where I catch another C-130 to the Philippines.
    So. I and 30 other midshipmen converge on The PI (Philippine Islands). Our transport plane will be shuttling us back to our respective academies and universities within hours. This is intensely frustrating, for all of us have been teased with endless stories of fantastic port visits in foreign lands during Midshipmen training cruises, while all I have seen is the interior of military planes, rocky islands deserted by all but the military, ocean, and an agonizing glimpse of Subic Bay, PI while awaiting for my flight back to the Academy. And then God, or perhaps Loki, intervened. The plane broke somewhere far away. The next flight with availability for 30 useless future officers? 5 days. Our orders, delivered with knowing smirk by the Chief in charge of us: “This is your barracks. I need you to be back here in five days.” Consider: I am 18 years old. I have all of my summer pay still in my pocket because I have not been in any place in which I could spend it. And I am “stuck” in Subic Bay, The Philippines, in those days a hedonistic Disney land of adult oriented pleasure, for five days with no responsibilities at all. If that doesn’t bring a smile to your face, I don’t know what will.

  49. I was once asked by a friend why I bothered with rewards programs. He asked, “What’s the point?” to which I replied, “Exactly!”

  50. If God had intended man to fly, he would not have made anyone fly through Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport.

  51. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the very first Fokker airplane built in the world. The Dutch call it the mother Fokker.

  52. On a free night at a hotel in ORD. We confirm and write down the desk guys name. Get there, he says no room. No rez – who did you talk to? We say but we talked… to YOU (after we check notes). He squirms – says OK at last and gives us key ( kinda funny so far).

    Then – get to room – open door and fly in – there are 20 – really – 20 very shocked Indian ( dot not feather ) looking at us with very big eyes.

    So – back to the front desk and ended with a nice room upgrade. We still now each time we enter a room from now on go in slowly due to this event!!!

  53. A British Airways pilot is having a tough time finding his way around FRA and finally ATC asks “BA547 have you ever been to FRA before?” and BA547 response is “yes in 1943 but only touch n go”

  54. It seems that there was an airline employee, a Mr. Gay, who wanted to take a deadhead trip across the country. The gate agent told him to board the airplane, but that he would have to give up his seat if the flight was full. He was assigned seat 4C.

    When he got to his seat it was already occupied by another man, so he took a seat a couple of rows back.

    The flight was oversold, so a stewardess came down the aisle looking for him. She stopped at seat 4C and asked the man sitting there, “excuse me, are you Gay?”

    The man looked surprised. “Why, yes I am,” he said.

    “Well,” replied the stewardess, “you’ll have to get off the airplane.”

    Overhearing, Mr. Gay spoke up. “Wait! I’m Gay!”

    “I’m gay, too!” cried a third passenger, standing. “They can’t throw us all off!”

  55. The funny thing is the poor bloke has to read through ALL of these in order to pick a winner….

    That was mean. What do you have against your brother?!

  56. On a 6-day tour of Turkey, our Turkish guide gave our group a short orientation about shopping in Turkey. Turkey has many factory outlet shops, which sell brand name goods at a real discount. There are also people who sell copies of various products. Most of these people were just trying to make an honest living, he said. Honest? I asked. He nodded and pointed at the sign on a nearby shop window- ” Real Fake Rolexes for Sale”.

  57. When the flight attendant was explaining the water life vests, she prefaced it with “should this flight become a cruise….”

  58. While growing up, our daughter always shook her head in typical daughter bewilderment at Dad’s frequent flying adventures and lingo. Then, one day she was heading out to fly to Chicago, and a co-worker asked where she was going. Instantly, she responded: “OH-ARE-DEE” … then with a shocked look on her face, both hands shot up to cover her mouth! But the words ” OMG, it’s genetic!” leaked out.

  59. My simple best is, I bought tickets for my Godfather this week to fly to Auckland with his wife from LAX via Sydney to Auckland.

    United flew her bag LAX to SYD then back to SFO for some reason they cannot figure out even though it was tagged to AKL.

  60. Imagine sitting and waiting for your flight when you see a dog in a soft sided carrier who has essentially turned it into a hamster ball as it runs/rolls down the terminal… then you see a rather large out of shape woman struggling to run after it.

  61. Hook a brother up !!!! What did the male duck say to the female duck on Valentines day ? How about a QUACKIE !

  62. A couple of years ago, I needed to go to Cameroon, West Africa and called the office of Air Cameroon in London from where they operated an (almost) weekly flight.

    “Good morning, Air Cameroon, safety is our number one concern, how may I help you..” asked the operator. Not being filled with confidence, I booked an alternative airline.

    Landing at Yaounde Airport, I saw an Air Cameroon 737 burnt out in pieces at the end of the runway. Now it all made sense…

    The Hiltton competition looks great. I’ll be in New York in April with my girlfriend, visiting from Ireland. Haven’t yet booked somewhere to stay, so this would be just prefect

    David, Belfast: N.Ireland

  63. I had just taken a shower in a hotel room and was standing at the door to the bathroom watching some TV. In walks another person, sees me in the nude, embarrassed, apologizes and then literally runs away (I hear fast footsteps going towards the elevator).

  64. An anecdote about Indian etiquette from when I was traveling there as a student:

    I was on a train from Udaipur to Ahmadebad. Although only 500 miles, the journey was due to take c. 10 hours overnight. I was sharing my cabin with a nice Indian family.

    My language skills were rudimentary, and I was worried about missing my stop (at 8 am), which would mean overshooting by about 200 miles which was the next stop. I asked the family if they would please let me know when we got to Ahmedabad. They agreed, and re-assured, I allowed myself to doze off.

    Next thing I heard were noises from a busy station. It was morning, and they were announcing that the train was about to depart. I glanced at my watch — just after 8, and asked the family (who were wide awake and eating breakfast) if this was Ahmadebad — they replied “yes”. I asked (whilst frantically getting my stuff together to throw off the train onto the platform) why they didn’t wake me up to tell me we had arrived at my destination.

    The answer: “You looked so comfortable sleeping, we didn’t want to wake you up”!!!

  65. Years ago a was flying from Manchester UK to Frankfort. I had been working a project over in the UK and my home base was in Germany where I worked with the US Army. Many of my friends in Germany with Britsh ExPats and they all asked me to bring back some beer. I carefully packed a big duffel bag with cans and bottles of beer, each carefully wrapped in paper and plastic. When I got to the airport I grabbed a cart to push this hugh and heavy bundle to customs (yes they check when you leave). I could barely lift the thing on the scale where it weighed in at about 30 kilos (66 lbs). I was rather nervous as the customs guy comes over and says “What’s this then?”, when I tell him it is full of beer, he just smiles and says “No problem.” and I was on my way. Keep in mind that this was before the EU and they were a little more touchy about what you could bring in or leave with. Also, this was before the weight limits that would have made such an adventure impossible.

  66. An elderly woman asks the gate agent, “Can I take this plane to Chicago?”

    Gate agent replies, “Why bother? It’s going there already.”

  67. okay so you know how there are those who belong to the mile high club? I was wondering, if I book an “around the world” flight does that include a free “around the world” ? Is there a club for that one? Maybe it’s like fight club and they don’t talk about it… LOL.

  68. In December on a UA777 to HNL the purser was making the general boarding announcements and then introduced himself, and his flying partners: “Carol, Mike, Greg, Marcia, Peter, Jan, Bobby, Cindy and Alice.” Just cracked me up. Even funnier was that I was the only one who seemingly heard it. When we deplaned I told him to be sure not to pick up any ancient tikis while he was there.

  69. Andy Rooney, on the Super Bowl: “Ordinarily the round trip fare from New York to Fort Lauderdale is $270, but Delta Airlines had a special last weekend, $920.70.”

  70. Ever seen flight attendant’s “tray surfing” down the aisles of a 747 on takeoff using meal trays?!? I have! But my lips are sealed forever … (unless Dick Cheney gets a hold of me!).

  71. My hubby and I were flying to Cancun for our first trip without our kids…ever (10+ yrs). While we were boarding, I was assigned the window seat, and he had the middle seat. We noticed a very large man walking down the aisle, and hubby whispers to me, “Oh no”. Of course, he had the aisle seat next to hubby. My husband ended up leaning towards me the entire trip, because there was no room to sit normally. I was apologetic, because I felt bad for him, but it was kind of funny.

    After our vacation, we were boarding our flight back home…this time I made sure he had the window seat, and I sat in the middle. I was relieved when I saw a young lady stopping to take her seat next to me. That was short-lived when I realized that she must have spent her last night of vacation partying all night. The plane was warm and stuffy and she was in the bathroom puking before the plane even took off. She returned to her seat and proceeded to puke in her air sickness bag for the next hour or so…we even gave her hubby’s as a “spare” because she was so sick (I kept mine because she was about to make me sick too)! Then she fell asleep with her mouth open, and the FUMES coming out of her mouth were horrible (imagine alcohol mixed with puke). This time I was leaning toward hubby most of the way home. Needless to say, that was the longest 3 hour flight ever!

    P. S. I get the window seat next time!

  72. I was going through security at LAX and the woman in front of me puts her bag on the x-ray belt. TSA informs her that they need to visually inspect it. She has a very nervous look on her face. Well they dump the contents and find a couple of dildos and other assorted “devices”. Everyone is trying not to laugh. She claims not to know how they got in there. They confiscate them and let her through.

  73. I would like to tell a funny story, a poignant antecdote, a delightful quip, but as I sit here in LAX just a few steps away from security, I just can’t risk it, Lucky. I just can’t ignore that giant hanging sign, can I? Dare I? This may be my one chance at a free night in a Hilton and here I am stranded in a radiation laden joke purgatory. You beat me again, California.

  74. Here is a rather interesting story.

    An award should go to the gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

    A crowded flight was cancelled due to a mechanical problem. As would have it, the airline left a single customer service agent with the monumental task of rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

    Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way past everyone else in line to the front of the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said “I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS!!” The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to help you but I’ve got to help these folks first, then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out..” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the other passengers behind him could hear,

    “Do you have any idea who I am…??”

    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and made the following announcement “May I have your attention please…” she began, her voice echoing throughout the terminal.

    “We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17.”

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore. “F#&*! YOU..!!!”

    Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that, too.”

    The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at the airline.

  75. Being a Skymiles Gold Amex holder, I am allowed to get Delta Flights using cash and miles using FF miles for fligts that aren’t available as award flights and then paying additional cash to get more desirable flight times.
    Of course Delta is free to make as many changes to your flight as they like including one change where they had me scheduled for a plane change in one airport and flying out of another. When I called to ask if they would correct it, first they asked why I booked it that way to begin with. When I assured them I hadn’t, they said they could change my flight to the very one I could have gotten initially but paid more to avoid. Of course they assured me this was the best they could do for me. So I am out the extra money and my originally scheduled 4 hour flight is now 8 hours. Although I don’t really find the humor in this, I just know there are people out there who think it is a great joke.

  76. During my layover at MCI airport (Kansas City), I stopped by a shop to buy a bottled beverage. A teenage girl was operating the cash register. As I walked closer, I heard a middle-aged man of foreign descent ask the cashier a question. Turns out he was looking for Hi-C’s (the juice drink), but because he didn’t know how to pronounce “Hi-C’s”, he instead said “Excuse me, do you have any hickeys?”

    The expression on the cashier’s face was priceless!

  77. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

    ‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

    I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.

    “And what do you deduce from that?”

    Watson ponders for a minute.

    “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

    “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”

    Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

  78. I’m sure we all have heard some interesting pilot’s names being read by the Flight Attendants prior to departure, but one name I will never forget.

    Just for the record, I am not making this pilot’s name up. Our American Airlines flight attendant was attempting to read the pilot’s name, but she violently laughed as she read the name: “your flight crew is this evening is lead by… [violent laughter] … Captain Murder.” [I assume the spelling was perhaps Merder?]

  79. After my friend’s concert at the Circle Star Theater in San Carlos (way long ago) another friend and I went to an after concert party at the restaurant in the hotel where everyone was staying. Let’s call this other friend Carla–not her real name. The party was for the producer who was celebrating his birthday, so everyone involved with the concert was at this party. We took over the restaurant at their hotel and the manager locked us in there so hotel guests wouldn’t wander in (fire laws weren’t that big of a concern in those days apparently). It was winter and my friend Carla had a cold and was using one of those nasal inhaler things for her congestion. It’s a rather rowdy and loud party and eventually the waitress came to our section of the table to take our drink orders. My friend Carla asked the waitress where the nearest restroom is and the waitress tells her that she has to go to the manager and get the door unlocked and then go through the lobby etc. The waitress then continued down the table to take other orders. Carla decided that this is just too much of a hassle as she just needed to use her nasal inhaler. She excused herself from the table and disappeared for a minute and came back breathing much easier. A short while later, the waitress returned with our drinks and because of the noise loudly asks Carla if she found the restroom. Carla gestured towards the entry to the kitchen and responded, “No, that’s okay, I just went over in the corner.” The entire table fell silent, the waitress looked horrified as did all the guys around us. All I could do was laugh hysterically. I was falling backward off the stool I was sitting on and Carla was desperately trying to explain that she really didn’t pee in the corner.

    The hotel was independently run back then, but is now managed by a chain. I remembered this story when I drove by the hotel tonight and thought it would be a good funny story for this thread.

  80. This one’s a little bit in appropriate … but it made me laugh:

    How can you tell if you’re making love to a teacher, a nurse, or an airline stewardess?

    A teacher says we’ve got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

    A nurse says hold still this won’t hurt a bit.

    And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

  81. This is an old story, and I don’t know if it’s true. But it gave me a chuckle:

    A crowded United flight in Denver was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

    The agent replied “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “Do you know who I am?”

    Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. “May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.”

    With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, “F*** you!”

    She smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to stand in line for that too.”

  82. A friend of mine was on a business trip in New York City and as he was walking to his meeting it started pouring rain. It wouldn’t really be appropriate to arrive soaking wet, and cabs can be hard to come by in the rain in NYC, so he bought an umbrella from the nearest vendor.

    When he submitted his expenses for the trip his expense report included “Umbrella – $12”. Accounting sent his expense report back and said he couldn’t expense that. He “fixed” his expense report, and miraculously it still had the same total amount, he sent it back and told accounting to find the umbrella now.

    (I think this story is an urban legend, I heard the same basic story, one involving the umbrella and one a lost hat, from two different people, 10 years apart, working in completely different industries.)

  83. Some years back I went to the Bahamas on Spring Break. Doing what early 20-somethings do on spring break, most if the trip is a bit hazy. But finally, we get to the airport for the return. Unfortunately, the charter airline (this was before my miles days) forgot to send a plane to pick us up. Yes, the reason we were given for the delay is that the airline “forgot to send a plane.” So we continue doing what we did on spring break and headed to the airport bar. Finally, the plane showed up a few hours later.

    One of my friends (we’ll call him James) had more than a few at the bar and had to be helped up the boarding stairs. Another friend (let’s go with Frank) tells him to just follow him and get to the seat. Frank makes it down the aisles to the seats and turns around to find our drunk friend gone. Next thing he knows, James is being escorted down the aisle by a flight attendant. Turns out that James walked into the cockpit and asked the pilot if he could “drive the plane home.” He then made passes at the flight attendant walking him down the aisle. Fortunately, the captain and FA found all of this funny

  84. Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.

    A worried passenger asked the steward, ‘what was the problem?’

    ‘The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine, explained the flight attendant, and it took us a while to find a new pilot.’

  85. Overheard when told that Southwest Airlines had kicked Kevin Smith off a flight for being too fat to fly : “The plane was still on the ground, right?”

  86. Okay, while this is not one of my original stories, I still think its super cute …

    My wife is a flight attendant. Like most men I have some major fantasies
    involving “stewardesses”. The last time she came home from a trip I asked her if we could pretend that I was a passenger and she was my “stewardess”.
    She agreed to indulge me in a little role playing and this is what happend:

    First, she put on a uniform that she had been wearing for three days. It was a
    little wrinkled and stained with coffee and soda. Then she welcomed me on board and showed me to my seat… A tiny chair in the hall closet. She told me to fasten my seatbelt, took away my cell phone, closed the door, left the vacuum running and ignored me for an hour. Finally she brought me a drink and some peanuts to enjoy. Then ignored me for another hour…except for when I tried to go to the bathroom…then she would yell through the door, “The fasten seat belt sign is on!”

  87. Last trip to France I stayed in the Paris Hilton. I left some papers in my room. They called me at home to tell me. Our housekeeper took the message, and wrote a big note. Boy, were my teenage kids impressed at the note on the refirgerator: “Paris Hilton called!”

  88. True Travel Story!
    I was on a Continental flight to EWR to go and visit my sis in PVD. I was in coach and I sat next to a woman that appeared to be the grandmother type. After talking for a while, she told me her name was Yetta. She told me that when she was about to turn 90 (Yes – 90!) she wroite a letter to Larry Kellner asking him if he could give her an upgrade to first class when she traveled on her upcoming birthday to visit her sister in New Jersey. She told me that when she arrived at the gate, she was informed she had been upgraded to first class! She said she loved the first class treatment she received. When she returned home she wrote a nice “Thank you letter” to Mr. Kellner. She said that when she was turning 92, she once again wrote to him asking if an upgrade was possible when she traveled to visit another sister. She said she received it! Then she wrote a thank you letter again. Then when she was turning 95 ( she said she was 96!) she asked again but she recieved a letter back stating that she would be traveling on an “RJ” which didn’t have first class seats. When we departed the plane that woman just about ran to where she was going. I asked her if she had ever been in the Continental President’s Club. She said she hadn’t. I invited her in and she accepted. I had to leave but she stayed. She asked me for my e-mail address and I took hers. I actually e-mailed her when I returned home to West Palm Beach which is where she was also from. I never heard from her again though. I’ll never forget that spry little woman…

  89. I just saw director Paul Mazurksy’s travel documentary about going to the Ukraine where he told this joke to a bunch of fellow travelers while sitting around a barbeque near Kiev:

    There is a guy in a sauna with a bunch of other guys and suddenly he blurts out, Brrriing ring” and makes a phone ringing noise. He folds his hand into a fist and starts talking into his wrist, saying, “Yes, absolutely, buy the property now and make sure to get the closing papers to my secretary immediately.”

    Then he makes a sound as a phone hanging up, and again another ringing sound. He talks into his hand again and says, “Hi honey, I’m at the club and I’ll be home in about an hour.”

    The other guys in the sauna are incredulous. “What are you doing?’, they say.

    “Oh”, says the businessman, “I’m so busy all the time that I have surgically implanted a cell phone into my arm.”

    “That’s amazing!” says one of the guys, “but I do have to tell you that you probably don’t realize it, but you have a piece of toilet paper coming out of your ass…”.

    “Oh my God”, says the businessman, “I must be getting a fax!”

  90. It was mealtime on a small airline and the flight attendant asked the passenger if he would like dinner.

    “What are my choices?” he asked.

    “Yes or No,” she replied.

  91. Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.”

    She said, “We can’t do that!”

    I told her, “You did it last week!”

  92. Earlier this week, I was checking out of a ritzy hotel in the South Beach area of Miami Beach. The woman next to me was also checking out, and chatting with the desk agent. He asked her to where she was traveling, and she said, “Oh, back home to Toronto.” He then responded, “Oh, you’re so lucky, are you going to see any Olympic events?” She replied, in the only way she could, “Um, err.”

    I know that Canada is far, far away from South Florida, but that was ridiculous!

  93. Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . .
    600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . .please instruct!

    Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . .
    repeat after me: “Our Father, which art in heaven . . .”

  94. The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

    They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, s**t!” Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: “Hold my beer and watch this.”

  95. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful … CAREFUL! Put
    in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO
    MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful …CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking!
    Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
    Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use
    the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

    The wife stared at him. “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I
    don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?” The husband calmly replied, “I
    wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving with you in the
    car.

  96. Not that I’m much interested in a Hilton Hotel Reward, but here’s one:

    I was sitting on a flight at LAX, we had just shut the door and the jetbridge pulled back when they discovered a purse from the previous flight. Not wanting to re-connect the bridge, the captain hurled it at the ramper, who caught it. That along with the “purser” who sounded like Boomhauer on King of the Hill symbolized my airline choice that night: US Airways.

    The real funny (more laugh at me than with me) part was that was in paid first, plastic cup and all.

  97. A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

    “This temple is 1503 years old”, replies the guide.

    Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

    “Easy”, replies the guide, “the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago”

  98. On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?” To which the farmer replied: “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

  99. A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. “No problem,” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.

    Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.

    The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:

    “Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly.”

  100. The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual event that took place during a flight.

    As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

    “Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

    From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, “Wow! It just missed the highway!”

  101. One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:

    “Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I’m very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?”

    So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.

    “Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn’t, so I want my money back!”

    While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:

    Man 1: “Look at this guy! He is mad!”

    Man 2: “Yeah! He’s almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim.”

  102. Murphy Laws For Frequent Flyers

    1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
    2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
    3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
    4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
    5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
    6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
    7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
    8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
    9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
    10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

  103. A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

    “Yes?”

    “Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?” The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15”. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

    “Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

    “8:25!”

    The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!” Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

    “Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!.”

  104. Mueller is traveling with his wife and mother-in-law in a far east country. At a place of honor his mother-in-law makes a careless remark, which the native people take as an insult to the royal family.

    Mueller is dragged off to court with his wife and mother-in-law and are sentenced to corporal punishment. Each of them are to recieve 50 lashes on the rear end with a cane. But because the royal family doesn’t want to appear hostile to foreigners, they grant the guests in their country a wish beforehand, as long as it is able to be fulfilled.

    Mrs. Mueller is first.

    “What do you wish for yourself?”

    “I would like a pillow bound on my rear end before the lashings.”

    “Okay, that shall be granted to you.”

    Mrs. Mueller has the pillow bound to her rear end and receives her punishment. But because the pillow is too small and the executioner also hits her back a couple of times, she receives a few blows.

    Next it is Mueller’s mother-in-law’s turn.

    “What do you wish for yourself?”

    “I would like a pillow bound on my rear end and a pillow bound on my back before the lashings.”

    “Okay, that shall be granted to you.”

    The mother-in-law receives her fifty lashes, but hardly feels the pain through the pillows.

    Then comes Mueller himself.

    “What do you wish for yourself?”

    “I have two wishes. Do you want to fulfill them for me?”

    “Because you are a guest in our country, we want to fulfill your wishes for you, as long as they are reasonable.”

    “I would like 100 lashes instead of 50.”

    The executioner is surprised, but recovers again right away and replies, “Yes, that is a pious wish, it shall be granted to you. And what is your second wish?”

    “I would like to have my mother-in-law bound to my back.”

  105. A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

    Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress:

    “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.”

    The waitress looked at him and said: “Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.”

  106. A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

    Cop: “Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway — why are you going so slow?”

    Sister: “Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65.”

    Cop: “Oh sister, that’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the highway you’re on!

    Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.

    At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

    Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends back there? They’re shaking something terrible.

    Sister: Oh, we just got off of Highway 119.

  107. One night at an economy motel, a guest ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he woke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

    “Good morning,” a young man said. “This is your wake-up call.”

    Annoyed, he let the motel worker have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6!, what if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?”

    “Well, sir,” the desk clerk quickly replied, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn’t have been staying in this motel, would you?”

  108. An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

    The waiter replied, ” Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

    The American, though momentarily daunted, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

    The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!”

    The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

    After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

    The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins.”

  109. Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.

    Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV:

    “Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package.”

  110. An airline captain was breaking in a new, blonde flight attendant. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

    The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new flight attendant was missing.

    He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn’t get out of her room.

    “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?”

    The flight attendant replied, “There are only three doors in here, one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, ‘Do Not Disturb’!”

  111. From the pilot during his welcome message: “Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!”

  112. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.”

  113. On a Continental flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”

  114. Landing announcement: “Thank you for flying Delta Airlines . We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

  115. An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

    A gentleman approached her and said,

    “Pardon me, madam.

    I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

    “Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”

    “But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

    The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”

  116. A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?” I said,”No, why do you ask?” She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?” After putting her on hold for a minute while I “looked into it” ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

  117. My story is about a trip I took with my mother when I was 19. Neither of us had ever been out of the country before, but both of us had long wanted to visit England. When my favorite band broke up and announced one final show in London, I convinced her to come with me for two weeks so I could see them.

    The following “highlights” of our first 24 hours pretty much exemplifies the rest of the trip. Once we made it into London properly, we decided to get a feel for the area by riding random buses for a few hours. This was interesting until I hopped off of a bus and started walking away only to realize that my mother had not made it out the door behind me. I chased the bus for two blocks before it stopped to let her off.

    After that, we were ready to get to our room and relax. I had booked us in a hostel because, well, I was 19 and thought it would be fun. I called the hostel and told them I was ready for my free pick-up at Victoria Tube station, but was told they no longer offered that benefit. Twenty minutes later, we arrived at the hostel via other means. After waiting 30 minutes for the front desk guy to get off the phone (during which time my mother was kissed by a drunk teenager who had been singing songs about absinthe in the common area), we learned that they were booked and couldn’t find our reservation. Despite my printout, they said they couldn’t help us and had secured accommodations at a sister hostel just 10 minutes away. After walking for 40 minutes, we still weren’t there.

    We found ourselves wandering around in Kings Cross around midnight, where a lady of the night struck up a conversation with my naive mother about travels and difficult children. I watched in disbelief as my mother established an immediate rapport with the woman over the “mess” I had gotten her into, but managed to drag her away so we could continue our travels to King’s Court on Warwick Road.

    The front desk guy at this place told me that he hadn’t heard of us – the “sister” hostel we had previously been at had not called to get us a room after all. After a lengthy conversation, I was able to discern that, despite the Englishman’s general air of reserve, rooms were available. We climbed up four flights of stairs, stepping gingerly next to a roll of red carpet that was hopefully destined to replace the worn rugs.

    The room was dark and, unlike the private one we had booked, an 8-bed dormitory style to be shared with strangers. Only one person was in the room. She told us that we could take any available bed. I took a bottom bunk and my mother found a top bunk. We soon fell asleep. In the middle of the night, a drunken man woke me up to tell me that I was in his bed – turns out it was a co-ed room. I climbed on the top bunk and went back to sleep until the morning, when I was awakened by my mother screaming. A middle-aged Irishman had propped his elbows on her mattress and was peering at her. “Good morning,” he said. “You slept on top of me last night.” He tried to help her take her socks off, but she shoved him away.

    We went to get breakfast and plot our escape from the hostel. My mother insisted on McDonald’s because she felt she could count on getting what she expected. Too bad she loves ice. Her drink had two ice cubes. She asked for more. The cashier gave her 2-3 more pieces of ice. She asked for more. She got one more piece. My mother finally gave up.

    We wandered around the shops near the hostel and then, sadly, ended up back at McDonald’s for lunch. The ice problem was still present. After my mother repeatedly asked for more top-offs of ice, the cashier finally said, “I think you took all we had at breakfast.”

    And so it continued throughout the rest of the trip. Oddly enough, we stayed at the same hostel for the full two weeks.

  118. This is a transcript between a commuter and the railroad company, regarding service:

    Gentlemen:
    I have been riding trains daily for the last twenty-two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
    Yours truly,
    A Commuter

    The Reply to the above:
    Dear Sir:
    We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
    Sincerely,
    Western Railways

    And the Counter-Reply was:
    Gentlemen:
    I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass… That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last twenty-two years!
    Yours truly,
    A Commuter

  119. An elderly couple were flying to Las Vegas to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife noticed that her husband was crying and asked why are you crying dear?

    The husband asked, “Do you remember the night we were kissing on your parents’ front porch?”.

    “Yes, dear,” she replied. “I’ll never forget it.” Dad came outside and told me to get inside immediately.”

    “Well, after you went inside, your dad told me that I had three choices about you. He reminded me that he was the judge in town and that he could kill me and get away with it. Or, he said, he could send me to jail for 50 years. He said my third choice was to marry you.”

    “I see,” said his wife. “But why are you crying now?”

    The man began to sob. And then, gaining his composure, he said, “I’d be getting out today.”

  120. A man driving a motorhome got hopelessly bogged down in an unexpected muddy hole along a dirt road. After a few minutes, a passing farmer drove by on his tractor and offered to pull him out for only $25. After the motorhome was back on dry ground the man said to the farmer, “At those prices, I bet you’re pulling vehicles out of this mud day and night.”

    “Can’t,” replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”

  121. A RVing couple, both born the same year and month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been so loving she would grant them each one wish.

    Very excited, the wife said that since she had already visited most of North America in her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly appeared in her hand.

    Then it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said with a sly look, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.” The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was 90.

  122. On a flight to Los Angeles, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. “Sir, she said, “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

    He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

    Who would know if he touched them? He couldn’t resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

    Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. “What happened?!” he exclaimed. “You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse. The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your privates are under your pillow.”

  123. One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get underway. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
    Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
    At first the passengers do not react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane moves down the runway.
    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardess for reassurance.
    Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
    Finally, when the airplane has 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborn.
    Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!”

  124. A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife
    flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

    The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I’ve Arrived
    Date: January 13, 2005

    I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

    Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

    P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

  125. If gross, obsessive points-related behavior can be funny …

    There was once a couple who liked to collect MyCokeRewards points for the travel-related prizes (Priority Club, etc.). One day, they went to the Greek Festival in Atlanta. They discovered that hundreds and hundreds of Coke products were being sold (and trashed/recycled) at the event. The female had a terrible idea. She convinced her other half to help her salvage as many caps as possible. At first, they picked up caps on the ground, on tables, and took them off of bottles that had not been thrown away. Then the female forced the male to stand by recycle bins and act as though he had been hired to ensure the bottles were recycled. He would take them from people as they walked by and stealthily remove the caps before dumping the bottles. Finally, the evil female used home-related bedroom threats/promises to get the male to dig through the recycle and garbage bins to collect all of the caps possible. The male was humiliated but collected over 600 caps. People noticed. The couple left the festival when a security person started following them.

  126. Sharon, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

    She’d hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. “Excuse me, miss,” said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. “The Hilton doesn’t mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.”

    “What difference does it make?” Sharon asked rather calmly. “No one can see me up here, and besides, I’m covered with a towel.”

    “Not exactly,” said the embarrassed man. “You’re lying on the dining room skylight.”

  127. On an airline flight to Florida during a recent hurricane, the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm. But it was a pretty rough ride just the same – rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use.

    The turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain’s voice came on over the intercom. “Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn’t it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I’m happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today’s flight crew, I’d like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Miami.”

    After a short pause and several clicks . . . “Geez. What a ride! Boy, I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and some sex, right about now.”

    As a stricken flight attendant dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, “Don’t forget the coffee!”

  128. Two traveling salesmen got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, “Here, maybe you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.” “Thanks,” he said, and took a long pull from the container. “Here, you have one, too,” he added, handing back the whiskey. “Well, I’d rather not,” said the first. “At least not until after the police have arrived.”

  129. A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. “Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks.

    The two Americans just stare at him.

    “Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries.

    The two continue to stare.

    “Parlare Italiano?” No response. “Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

    The first American turns to the second and says, “Y’know, maybe we should learn a foreign language.”

    “Why?” says the other. “That guy knew four languages, and it didn’t do him any good.”

  130. One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

    Responses are still pouring in from angry wives asking: “What trip?”

  131. A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the ticket agent: “I’m flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle.”

    “I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t do that,” said the ticket agent.

    “Why not? You did it the last time!”

  132. A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

    In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

    The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.”

    “Why not?” giggles the woman.

    “Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket.”

  133. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
    comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!”

    Silence.

    Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants”

    A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

  134. A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. “Do you always carry such heavy luggage?” she sighed.

    “No more,” the man said. “Next time, I’m riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!”

  135. An Englishwoman and her young son were travelling in a taxi in New York. As they were driving through a rather seedy looking part of town, the boy became fascinated by the garishly made up women in short skirts and high heels who seemed to be accosting some of the men passing by.

    “Mummy” the boy asked, “what are those ladies doing?”

    The mother, clearly embarassed by the question, replied: “I expect they’re lost and are asking people for directions”

    The taxi driver overhead this and interrupted: “why not tell me boy the truth, those women are prostitutes.”

    The mother blushed more brightly at this remark but the boy wouldn’t let it go:

    “What are prostitutes Mummy, are they like other women, do they have children too?”

    “Of course” the mother replied, “that’s where New York taxi drivers come from.”

  136. Given the numerous posts in such a short time span, I think it’s pretty obvious that ALAN copied and pasted a bunch of jokes from another source. I hope the criteria for this contest is based on original jokes.

    Good luck everyone!

  137. Coming back from a ski trip one of the guys decided to put his helmet on right before take-off.
    The guy next to him was trying to not look but you can see him peeking out of the corner of his eye wondering “what in the heck is going on?”

  138. My wife and I were in Italy, making a bus transfer in Naples. As we get off one bus and head to another bus to the city center, I look up from my Rick Steve’s guide book, and say “Rick?!” Sure enough the gentleman with the backpack boarding my bus is the the travel writer. My wife and I take some pictures with him, board the bus, and help him edit the new edition!… “How much was that bus trip from Sorrento? How much was your night at that hotel? etc.” When we get off the bus, we asked if we could follow him to the subway, his response, “there’s no way you’d keep up.” Sure enough he zipped through crazy Naples traffic on foot as fast as some scooters. No more than 30 minutes later we cross paths with Rick again at the Naples history museum, he briefly comments that the museums best piece is under repaid, and he continues to race along.

    That was my funniest chance encounter while on vacation… to meet the travel writer, while my nose is glued to his book!

  139. You are a GM, seated in a E- on a very full UA flight, and you’ve been comped a drink by a FA. Confused, you called your friend who is a FA as soon as you landed and asked why you have been comped a drink.

    Your friend said: “you got free booze from a male flight attendant and you’re seated in economy, they think you’re cute and you just got hit on. If you got free booze from a female flight, the credit card machines are broken and you should order another one immidately.”

  140. Our family has bad luck with hotel bathrooms! Once we had a leaky toilet and I removed the tank lid to fix the noise, afterall I know how to stop a leaky toilet. After jiggeling the chain I laid the tank lid on the toilet seat only to fall asleep then awake to need the toilet. I removed a bag from the seat forgetting the tank lid was on there and smashed the lid to smitherines. We tried to replace the lid (without being charged) wit the lid from the exercise room (after my teenage son placed it up his shirt) only to have it 4′ too short. My husband then sent our youngest child to look for an unlocked room. Sorry room 124, never leave your door unlocked! PS. was not a Hilton. Sink story to follow!

  141. Our son went to the beach with 3 friends for Senior Week. Only the cheapest hotels will rent to kids and charge a security deposit. Their total was $600 between 4 boys. While playing a game neatly over the bathroom sink so as not to make a stain on the carpet, the glass bottle slipped and broke a hole in the sink. My son said lets go to the hardware store. They purchased a green sink (not the original color, but matching) some tools and some calking. My handy Vocational School son uninstalled the broken sink, reinstalled the new sink, calked professionally, all for less than $60. They never heard a word. Imagine the housekeeper’s suprise when she saw a green sink. We now avoid the bathtubs in hotels just in case.

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